Be There
by AlwaysKate11
Summary: Castle gets some disturbing news.  For once, he will be the one needing help as he deals with some emotional issues.  SPOILER ALERT FROM UPCOMING EPISODE
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**The Letter**

"Good morning mother", Castle called out cheerfully as he swiftly descended the stairs. He reached the landing and headed for the kitchen, but stopped when he didn't get a response from his mother, who was sitting on the couch. "Hey, everything okay? Bad news?" he asked, seeing that she had a letter laying in her lap and a dazed look on her face.

"What? Oh...uh, no, just a letter from an old friend," she said while quickly shoving the letter into the envelope. She gave him a reassuring smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Are you sure? You seem upset."

She waved her hand dismissively. "Quite sure. I'm fine. Really. Go whip up some of those fabulous pancakes of yours. Alexis will be down in a minute and I'm starving."

He looked at her closely before finally turning away and walking over to the kitchen. As he worked on breakfast, he couldn't help but worry about his mother. He had seen the look on her face and the way her hands shook as she folded the letter. She may have said she was fine, but he knew better. Whatever was in the letter, it had her shaken up. Curious as he was, he knew that pushing her wouldn't help. He knew from experience that he would just have to wait for her come to him when she was ready to share.

He was soon distracted as Alexis came bounding down the stairs to join them for breakfast. As usual, she was chattering away about her plans for the day and, of course, Ashley. It took all of his concentration to follow the conversation as she tended to jump around from subject to subject. Luckily she rarely required him to actually respond, so it was okay if he got a little lost. It wasn't until she stopped, looking puzzled, and asked "Hey, where did Gram go?" that he noticed that sometime between '_Did you know that Ashley was born exactly one year and 2 months before me' _and '_Can you believe that Jessie's dad let her get a tattoo?' _Martha had quietly left the room.

"No. She was here a minute ago. Listen, I have to go to the station. Can you kind of keep an eye on your grandmother today? Something's going on with her."

Alexis grinned. "Probably just boy problems," she said. "You know Gram. Don't worry, Dad. I'll take good care of our girl."

Castle smiled at her lighthearted response. He kissed her on the top of the head and walked out, stopping briefly to glance up at his mother's closed door. Despite Alexis' reassurance, he was unnerved by his mother's reaction to the letter. With a vague feeling of dread, he left and headed to the precinct.

While lying on the couch an hour or so later, chatting with Ashley on the phone, Alexis barely noticed her grandmother come down the stairs and make a cup of tea. If it hadn't been for the conversation with her father before he left, she probably would have missed the look of tension on her grandmother's face and talked for another hour. Instead, she quickly ended her call to see if she could find out what was going on.

"Gram? Gram?" Alexis frowned when she didn't get an answer. Gram was sitting stirring her tea with a far away look on her face. Alexis got up and walked over to where her grandmother was sitting at the bar and tapped her on the shoulder.

Martha jumped, knocking the tea over. "Alexis! What are you doing, sneaking up on me like that. Now look what you made me do!"

Alexis stepped back, hurt at her grandmother's harsh tone. She instantly knew that her father was right. Something was definitely wrong.

Seeing the look on her granddaughter's face, Martha pulled her into a hug. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to yell at you. You just surprised me, that's all."

"Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"Were you? No. I guess I was a little distracted."

Alexis got a towel and started wiping up the spilled tea. "So what has you so distracted?" she asked.

"I just have a lot on my mind. Nothing for you to worry about."

Alexis noticed that her Gram avoided her eyes as she spoke, a sure sign that she was hiding something. "Gram, come on. You always tell me that it helps to talk about your problems. So come sit down and tell me all about it." She took her grandmother's hand intending to lead her over to the couch. She was surprised when she pulled away.

"You know. I'm a little tired. I think I'm going to go upstairs for a short nap." Alexis followed her with worried eyes as she watched her slowly climb the stairs leading up to her bedroom.

When her father arrived home hours later, Alexis was waiting for him. "You're right Dad. Something is wrong with Gram." She filled him in on their earlier conversation. He had just decided to go up on check on his mother, when she appeared at the top of the stairs. "Good, you're home. We need to talk."

Alexis and her father exchanged worried looks as they waited for Martha to join them .

"Richard, I think you're going to want to sit down," she said when she got to the bottom of the stairs. Gone was the look of apprehension on his mother's face. It was replaced by what he could only describe as grim determination. Whatever his mother was about to tell him, he knew it was serious and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it. He absently sat down on the couch. Alexis nervously came over and sat on the arm of the couch next to him.

"Alexis, can you go upstairs and give us a few minutes, please?" her grandmother asked quietly.

"Gram, I'm not a little girl. Whatever you have to tell Dad, I'd like hear it too. Please?" she added looking at her father for his support. She felt his arm as he wrapped it around her waist, pulling her closer to him. Martha sighed and nodded her acquiescence. She sat down opposite of her son and granddaughter and slowly pulled the letter out of her pocket.

"I got this in the mail a few days ago." She looked up and met her son's eyes. "Richard, it's from your father."

**Editor's note. I try to be spoiler free, so the fact that Castle hears from his father is the extent of my knowledge of this spoiler. Everything else is my pure imagination, not any indication of how this may really play out!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**'Alec'**

Aside from Alexis' shocked gasp, the silence in the room was deafening. Castle took the letter out of his mother's hands. He opened it up, read it, then casually refolded it. Alexis had a huge smile on her face, obviously excited about the news that had just been delivered. "Oh My Gosh! Dad, that's... great." The last word trailed off as she realized that her father did not share her excitement. In fact, he didn't seem to have any reaction at all. She looked at her grandmother and saw the concern she suddenly felt mirrored there.

She found herself almost falling off of the arm of the couch when her father abruptly stood up. He shoved the folded paper into the back pocket of his jeans. Rubbing the palms of his hands together, he said, "Whose hungry? I'm thinking taco's," before strutting off to the kitchen.

As she watched him gathering the ingredients for the taco's, Alexis felt a small knot form in her stomach. She suddenly wished that she hadn't insisted on being there when her grandmother told him about the letter. Seeing him going about his business as if he hadn't just had an emotional bombshell dropped in his lap was disconcerting to say the least. She knew he had to be feeling something. But his face nor his actions gave anything away. To her, his lack of reaction was worse than seeing him angry or upset. It made her feel so uncomfortable that she made up an excuse to leave and ran up the stairs to her room.

As soon as Alexis was gone, Martha walked over and stood next to him. He froze briefly, but then grabbed a cutting board and started calmly cutting up tomatoes. Had Martha not noticed the white knuckled grip on the knife he was using, she would have thought he truly was as relaxed as he appeared. She gently placed her hand on top of his, stopping him.

"Richard. Look at me. Please."

After a long pause, he finally put the knife down and looked at her. She searched his face, looking for a clue as to what he was feeling. As his mother, she could see what Alexis could not. Although he was hiding it well, she could see signs of anger in his eyes. And hurt. She felt tears well up in her own eyes as she watched him struggle to maintain his composure.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

She saw his jaw tighten and relax before he finally responded. "No. Not right now. I need to, I don't know, process I guess."

She nodded, understanding how he felt. She had, after all, held onto the letter for a couple of days before she had decided to tell him about it.

He turned and picked up the knife briefly, then put it back down. "I'm not really hungry anymore. Do you mind just making yourself a sandwich or something? I think I'm going to turn in early." Without waiting for a response, he left the kitchen and went to his room.

He managed to lay on his bed in the dark for over an hour before he finally gave in and turned on the light. He retrieved the letter out of the pocket of the pants he had thrown carelessly on the floor before he went to bed, and slowly unfolded it. He read the letter again. It didn't take long. It was a short letter. Basically just telling his mother that he had thought about her and "Ricky" throughout the years and wanted to know how they were doing. He folded it up and laid it on the nightstand. He was surprised that that was all it said. What had he expected? That he would say he had screwed up? That he didn't deserve the opportunity to meet his son, but he was asking for it anyway? Better yet, that he had a really great reason for not being a part of his son's life?

He leaned over and turned the light off, returning the room to darkness that was somehow comforting. He turned over and closed his eyes, trying in vain to put the situation out of his mind so he could sleep. He wasn't surprised when it didn't work. After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, he finally gave up. Although it was too early for work, he got up and headed into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

He did a double take when he looked in the mirror. The dark circles under his eyes were to be expected after a night of virtually no sleep, so that wasn't what caught his attention. It was the anger he saw etched on his face.

The anger surprised him. He had grown up knowing that his dad wasn't a part of his life. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't acknowledge the feelings of disappointment that had cropped up over the years from time to time, but for the most part, he had just accepted the fact and moved on. He wasn't the type to dwell on what he couldn't have. _Has this anger been here all along? _he couldn't help wondering. He pondered that thought as he took his shower and dressed for the day.

Kate was surprised when she walked into work later that morning to find Castle already sitting at the desk. An early riser, she almost always arrived before he did.

"Hey, Castle. You're here early," she said, sliding into her chair.

"Morning."

She looked at the two coffee cups sitting on the desk waiting for him to slide one over to her. When he didn't, she shrugged and grabbed one. Taking a sip, she frowned as the the lukewarm liquid hit her lips. "Geez, how early did you get here, Castle? The coffee's almost cold. Castle?" She snapped her fingers in front of his face, and said teasingly, "Earth to Castle. Are you in there?"

Finally he looked up at her. Her smile quickly faded when she saw the look on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes telling her that he hadn't slept much the night before. "Hey? You okay? You look horrible."

That brought a small smile to his lips. "Thanks Beckett, you sure know how to make a guy feel good."

"No, really. What's wrong?"

Before he could answer her, Ryan and Esposito came over to join them. "Yo, someone didn't get their beauty sleep," Esposito blurted out, also noticing the obvious signs of a sleepless night. "Hot date last night?"

"C'mon Castle," Ryan chimed in, not to be outdone by his partner. "You holding out on us? Give us the dirty details."

Their amusement quickly faded when Castle didn't laugh with them or come back with his usual smart retort.

"Actually," Castle said, trying to sound as casual as possible, "my mother got a letter. From my father."

Esposito and Ryan shared confused looks. "I don't get it," Ryan finally said. "Is that a big deal?" He could tell by the shocked look on Beckett's face that it was. Suddenly feeling like he was intruding, he motioned for Esposito to follow him away from the desk leaving Castle and Beckett alone.

"Wow. That's... wow," Beckett said, not sure exactly what else to say. "That's exciting. Aren't you excited?"

He shrugged.

"Castle! We're talking about your _Dad_! You can't tell me that you're not excited!"

He shrugged again. "To tell the truth, no. I'm not excited. I've gone this long without him, so..."

"But you're going to meet him, right?" she interrupted. "I mean, that's why he wrote, isn't it? Because he wants to meet you?"

"Of course he wants to meet me," he replied after only a brief hesitation. He was surprised at how easily the lie slipped out of his mouth.

He was relieved when just then the Captain called out to them that there was a homicide that needed their attention, bringing an abrupt halt to their conversation. He forced himself to focus on the case for the rest of the afternoon.

It wasn't until later, when was on his way home, that he allowed himself to think about the lie he had told. He hadn't intended to lie to Kate. But somehow he just couldn't admit out loud that his father hadn't even hinted at wanting to meet him. He was afraid that if he did, the anger and hurt that now lurked so close to the surface would have come spilling out, and once it did, he wasn't sure he would be able shove it back down.

When he finally arrived home, he was exhausted mentally and physically. His plan for the evening included a couple of stiff drinks and an early bed time. As soon as he opened the door and saw his mother and daughter waiting for him he knew that his plan had just gone out the window. He could tell by the way that they instantly stopped talking when he walked in that he had been the topic of conversation.

He hated seeing the look of concern that was etched on both of their faces. His mother looked as if she had aged overnight and the dark circles under Alexis' eyes told him that she hadn't slept any better than he had. It saddened him that their worry for him was hurting them so much. His concern for them turned to anxiety when he caught the look Alexis shot to his mother before raising off of the couch. After receiving an encouraging nod , she slowly started to walk towards him. He could read the nervousness in her eyes and was confused. _Now what? _he thought to himself.

It wasn't until she finally reached him that he saw she was holding something in her hand. Even from there he could see it was an envelope. He easily recognized the bold handwriting that matched the letter to his mother. Only this letter was addressed to him.

Without speaking, he walked over to the couch and sat down next to Martha. He motioned for Alexis to join them. He was surprised to see her shake her head vigorously before leaving the room. He looked at his mother questioningly.

"What's wrong with her? I thought she'd want to see what's in the letter."

"She's worried about you, Richard. We both are. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I always thought you didn't care about your father being absent, but it's clear that I was wrong."

He reached over to squeeze her hand. "It's fine mother. I'm fine. It just took me be by surprise, that's all. I'm sorry if I worried you."

She looked at him closely and seemed content with what she saw. He smiled. "So, let's see what my old man wrote." With a casualness far from what he was actually feeling, he tore open the envelope. Again the letter was short and to the point.

**Dear Rick,**

**I hope this letter finds you well. I am going to be in town next week and thought it would be great if we could meet for lunch or something. I would like to get the chance to meet you. Please give me a call so we can set up a time and place. My number is 634-229-4562.**

**Talk to you soon,**

**Alec**

He turned the letter over, as if expecting to see something else written there. Then he folded the letter back up and carefully placed it back into the envelope. His mother looked upset. "What's wrong?"

She stood up and waving her arms around dramatically said, "What's wrong? What do you mean, what's wrong? He's coming to town. How can he just walk away for all these years with out so much as a phone call or card for your birthday and now he's just going waltz into town and expect you to meet him for lunch! The nerve of that man. And really, 'Talk to you soon, Alec.' What is that! He couldn't even call himself 'dad'?"

If the subject wasn't so serious, he would have laughed at his mother's dramatic response to the letter. But he could tell she was genuinely upset. "Mother. Calm down. It's not a big deal. Don't worry, I have no intention of meeting him for lunch." She looked as shocked by his statement as he was.

"You're not going to meet him? But..he's your father."

He was confused. "I thought you didn't want me to meet him? Isn't that what that impassioned speech was all about?"

"But it's not important what I want, is it? This is about you. What do you want?"

He smiled. "I want you to stop worrying and go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Check in on Alexis for me when you go up. Tell her I'm fine."

After giving him a long, lingering hug, she left him and went upstairs.

Castle went over and got the drink he had been craving since seeing the first letter the night before. He drank the whole glass in in one gulp and poured another one. Finally alone, he could drop the facade that everything was okay. Everything was not okay. He couldn't help but think about what his mother had said, and it just served to get him more upset. He reached over and picked up the letter off of the coffee table and pulled it out. He re-read it out loud. _**'Talk to you soon, Alec'.**_ In a fit of anger, he crumpled the letter into a tight ball and threw it across the room. '_No thanks, __**Alec.**__' _he said out loud.

He stood up and went to stand by the window. He felt so unsettled. He wasn't used to these strong emotions. It just wasn't who he was. He didn't know what to do with all of the anger and hurt. Suddenly he wished Kate was there. If he ever needed her to be there for him, now was it. Just the thought of her sitting with him, talking about his feelings, brought him down a notch.

He pulled out his phone and dialed her number. She answered on the second ring.

"Hey Castle."

"Hey." This asking for help was harder than he thought. He didn't even know what to say.

"Castle, are you there? What's wrong?"

"I just need to talk. Umm, do you mind if I come over?"

"Actually I do. I'm not home right now."

He suddenly felt foolish for calling her. He forced himself to keep the disappointment out of his voice. "Sure. No problem. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait! I'm not home, that doesn't mean we can't talk. How 'bout I stop over your place? I can be there in twenty."

He actually felt the relief flow through his body at her words. "Okay. Sounds good. See you then."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**'I don't know what to do'**

"Hi Kate. Come on in," Castle said, opening the door wider. He held out his hand, offering to take her coat. She slipped out of her leather jacket and handed it to him. "Go sit down. I'll get us a drink. Brandy okay? Or beer?"

"I'll take a beer," she said as she settled on the couch. He poured himself another glass of brandy and grabbed a cold beer out of the fridge. As he sat down opposite of her, he smiled. His first genuine smile since this whole thing with his father began. "Thanks for coming over." She smiled back.

They sat there quietly for several minutes. Her waiting for him to talk, and him struggling on how to start. He usually didn't have a hard time talking about his feelings. But this was different. This whole thing with his father was bringing up feelings that he never knew were there. Finally he just grabbed the letter that had been written to his mother off of the coffee table and handed it to her. She read it, then looked at him, frowning. "Castle, this doesn't say anything about..."

"I lied," he said, cutting her off.

"Why?"

He shrugged, defensively. "I guess I didn't want to admit that the letter didn't say anything about him wanting to meet me." She nodded. She couldn't imagine what it must be like for him to finally hear from his father after all these years and it not even ask about meeting with him.

"Well, maybe this isn't the last you'll hear from him. Maybe he's just working up the nerve to ask to meet you."

"Actually, another letter came today. From my fa... from Alec."

She raised her eyebrow at his choice of words. "So what did it say?" she asked when he didn't elaborate.

"Not much. Just that he was gong to be in town and wanted to meet for lunch or something."

"Really? That's great! Isn't it?"

"That's just it. I don't know if it's great. I'm not sure that I want to meet him. To be honest, I'm not sure he really cares if he meets me or not."

"Hey, he wrote you a letter asking to meet you, right? That must mean something."

"I don't know. The letter was so... business-like, I guess."

"Do you mind if I read it?"

"Of course not." He looked on the coffee table, momentarily confused when he didn't see it there. He winced as he remembered where the letter was. He got up and retrieved the wadded up paper off of the floor where it had landed. He was slightly embarrassed for her to witness the result of his earlier fit of anger. He sat down and uncrumpled the letter, straightening it out the best he could before handing it to her. He shrugged and smiled sheepishly at the look on her face.

She read the letter, then turned it over, just as he had done- thinking there should have been more to it. _He's right,_ she thought to herself. _It was business-like. Impersonal. No wonder he has doubts._

She folded the letter back up and set it on the table. Castle was sitting with his elbows resting on his knees, holding his head in his hands. He looked so defeated.

"So he's coming next week? I guess you have to make a decision. What are you going to do? Are you going to call him?"

That was the question. What was he going to do? If she would have asked him last week what he would do if he heard from his dad, it would have been an easy answer. He would have said that he would love the chance to meet him, but if the opportunity never presented itself, that was okay too. No big deal. But now that it was a reality, he didn't know what he wanted. He was so confused. He didn't even know how to put into words all of the conflicting feelings that were flooding through him. Frustrated, he leaped up off the couch and started to pace, hoping to release some of the tension he could feel building up in his body and figure out how to explain to her what he was feeling.

As Kate watched him she grew increasing anxious. Holding his body rigid, and his hands in tight fists, he literally radiated anger. The strong emotion scared her. Not physically of course. She knew that even had the anger been directed towards her, which it wasn't, he would never hurt her. No, what scared her was that he had called her. That he was relying on her to help him. What did he expect from her?

Her racing thoughts were interrupted when he abruptly stopped and sat back down on the couch. The look on his face broke her heart. There was still anger there, but if she looked past that she could also see a deep hurt. She could almost see the little boy inside him that had to grow up without a father.

Her first instinct was to reach over and hold him until that look went away. She had to clench her hands together to keep from doing just that. He shook his head slowly. "I don't know what to do. Part of me wants nothing to do with him but part of me wants..."

She stood up, needing to put some distance between them. "You know, I think that you should sleep on it. I'm sure things will seem better tomorrow. Maybe Martha can give you some advice. After all, she knew the man, right?" She could tell she was babbling, but couldn't seem to make herself stop. She looked around, searching for her coat. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to escape this emotionally charged situation.

Castle looked at her, puzzled. Even when she grabbed her coat, it took a minute for it to sink in that she was leaving. He had just taken the time to sort through some of his feelings and wanted to share them with her, hoping to figure out what to do.

"Kate, wait."

"I'm sorry, Castle. I really have to go. It's late and..." She let the sentence trail off. She knew it was a poor excuse, but she couldn't think of anything else. "I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can talk more then?"

"Sure," he mumbled. "See you tomorrow." He turned around and walked over to the bar to pour himself another drink. He kept his back to the door until he heard it click shut quietly behind her. Only then did he turn around and head slowly for the stairs, his drink still in his hand. He couldn't believe she had just walked out on him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Castle is...Castle**

"So, you just walked out?"

Kate looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying to discern the tone he was using. She was sure she could hear a hint of censorship underneath his professional 'non-judgmental'- therapist speak.

"No, I didn't just walk out. I told him I had to leave and I left." After a hesitation she added, "And I also told him we could talk about it the next day."

"So did you? Talk about it the next day?"

"No. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said he didn't."

He nodded thoughtfully. "So let's get back to why you left in the first place. Tell me more about that."

"He was really upset about this whole thing with his dad. Angry, hurt. It was hard seeing him like that. I've known Castle for years. This type of intense emotion is just not like him. It made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say or do to help him."

"So you left because you were uncomfortable with his emotions? Come on, Kate. There has to be more to it than that."

She frowned at him, confused. "Why does there have to be more? You know I have a hard time dealing with feelings. That's why I'm here."

"You have a hard time dealing with _your _feelings. But this isn't about you. It's about Castle. His pain. Not yours. It sounds like he really needed you. There has to be a better reason for why you left."

He watched with interest as her body language changed. Pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, she was about as closed up as possible. He must have hit a sore spot. Now to figure out what. Was she feeling guilty for leaving Castle when he needed her?

"Maybe I don't want him to need me," she said quietly after a long pause.

_Ahhh, _he thought to himself, _now we're getting somewhere._

"What's wrong with him needing you? Everyone needs someone, Kate."

"But why me? Why can't he talk to his mom? Or Alexis?"

"Why not you? You're his partner. His friend. I'm sure he's talked to you plenty of times about things going on in his life."

She shook her head, lowering her eyes. "You don't understand. And it's hard to explain. His feelings were so open. It was like I could see inside his soul. It was just so..."

"Intimate?" he suggested when she left the sentence hanging, obviously searching for the right word.

Her eyes flew up to meet his. He could tell immediately that he had chosen the right word. _Damn, you're good! _he thought to himself. He loved when he was able to get inside people's heads and figure out what was going on. Each little bit of information was another piece to the puzzle. He had to admit, he was enjoying trying to figure out Kate Beckett.

"Okay. Now that makes sense."

She looked confused. "Does it?"

"Sure. Think about it, Kate. From what you've told me so far about your feelings for Castle, you are afraid of him getting too close. He's the first person to even come close to knocking down the wall you've built up and it scares you. Emotional intimacy can be as scary, if not more so, than physical intimacy."

She sat there thinking about what he had said. He had found the words to describe exactly what she was feeling. Castle had once told her that she hid in relationships with men she didn't love. He was right. While she had been physically intimate with them, emotionally she always kept them at arms length. Keeping Castle at arms length wasn't as easy. This line of thinking really gave her some insight to why she had left.

"When he was sitting across from me, sharing his feelings, looking so lost and looking to me for help- it was just too much. Too big. Too intense. I panicked. Even though I didn't consciously know what it was, I had the sense that I was somehow crossing a line that I wasn't ready to cross. I think that it would be impossible for me to be there for him the way he needed me to be- the way I _wanted _to be- and just go back to the way we are. That somehow by sharing that moment with him something would have changed."

Impressed with her insight, he was tempted to talk more about what line she was afraid to cross. But the weariness on her face and the tense way she was still holding her body made him think that she needed a break from that difficult topic. He decided to change the subject slightly.

"So what do you think the fallout is going to be?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you walked out on Castle. How do you think that is going to impact your relationship with him? Your friendship?"

She smiled softly. That was one thing she didn't have to worry about. "It won't. Castle is... Castle. He gets me. He knows I would be there for him if I could."

"You seem awfully sure of that. This happened, what... three days ago? Things between you two have been okay?"

She thought about the last few days. "Sure. I mean, he's been distracted, and a little distant. Quiet. But that's to be expected under the circumstances, right? I mean, he's got a lot to think about."

He nodded in agreement. "Yes, I guess under the circumstances that would be very normal. Other than that, though, things are good?"

She nodded, but he saw a small frown appear and sensed that maybe she was not quite as sure as she had indicated. He didn't know Castle, but he thought it was very unlikely that he was fine with the way she had left things. He was pretty sure that it wasn't the last conversation they would have on this subject. Deciding that they had done enough for now, he ended their session.

On the way home, Kate couldn't help but re-play the conversation she had had with the therapist, especially the last part. About how her actions may have affected her relationship with Castle. Now that she really thought about it, Castle had been kind of keeping his distance from her. As she had told the therapist, she chalked it up to him dealing with what was going on with his father, but now she wondered.

She remembered how he and Esposito had pulled a practical joke on Ryan and laughed so hard they had almost cried. Actually, it occurred to her that Castle didn't seem quite so quiet or distant when Ryan and Esposito were around. _I'm sure that's because with their personality, it's hard to be quiet around them, _she thought. Then she thought about the fact that the last two times she had to go and knock on doors for the case they were working, he had decided to stay back.

She still wasn't convinced that Castle was mad at her. After all, this was Castle. He always had her back. Right?


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Take A Chance**

Later that evening, Castle walked into the loft to find his mother waiting for him.

"Richard, I'm glad you're home. Come sit down and talk with me," she said, patting the seat on the couch next to her. He walked over cautiously, wondering what might have happened now.

Sitting down he asked, "What's wrong?"

She looked at him frowning, "Nothing's wrong. I just haven't had a chance to talk to you in a few days and wanted to know how you're doing."

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Fine. So, nothing new, or..."

"Nope. What about you? Anything new with you?"

He couldn't help but smile at the exasperated look she shot him. "If you want to know my decision about Alec, why don't you just ask?"

"Well, you know I don't like to pry."

He snorted. "Since when?"

She swatted him playfully, "Ha, ha. Okay fine. Have you made any decisions regarding your father?"

"No. It's been a surprisingly hard one to make."

"What's holding you back?"

"I don't know. I guess part of it is that it came out of nowhere. I gave up thinking about him a long time ago. So to have him show up out of the blue like this just threw me off. Hearing from him has brought up memories I didn't even really know I had."

"Like what?"

"You know, just little things. Like when we would make father's day gifts in school, or have to do projects like family trees or learning about genetics- if you had your mom's eyes and dad's nose. Things like that. Then there was... never mind."

He was remembering when he was around 8 or 9 and all of his friends wanted to join the local Pioneer Club. He had been so excited until he read all of the literature that went with it. It was filled with father and son camp-outs and fishing trips as well as activities like building a race car for the soap box derby. His mom was good at a lot of things, but he didn't see her building a race car. He had made some lame excuse about why he didn't want to join, but he could tell by the looks in their eyes that they knew exactly why he didn't want to join and felt sorry for him.

He looked at his mother. No way was he sharing that memory. He could already see the sadness in her eyes and didn't want to make it worse.

"What is it? Tell me."

"You know, it's not important. Honestly, I didn't even remember any of this until I got the letter, so obviously it hasn't bothered me too much. In fact, I've been fine all this time without a father in my life, so why ruin it? What if I decide to meet him and it doesn't work out? I mean, let's face it, if his letters are anything to judge by, this really isn't a very big deal to him. I'm not so worried about me, but what about Alexis? You saw how excited she got when she found out about the letters. Is it fair to her to bring him into our lives and have him turn around and leave again?"

"So that's it? You would be okay with just ignoring his letter and pretending he had never contacted you? I find that hard to believe. Remember, I was here when you got the letter. I saw how upset you were."

He thought about the night when he had gotten the letter and how angry he had been. How he had called Kate, hoping she could help him sort through his feelings. How she had walked out before he had a chance to even talk to her about it.

A loud knock interrupted his thoughts. Despite the fact that she had hurt his feelings, he still couldn't help but hope that Kate was on the other side of the door. Maybe she was coming to apologize for leaving the way she had? He walked over and threw the door open. He was shocked to find himself face to face with the man that he recognized instantly as his father.

They stood there in silence, just staring at each other. Finally, Alec cleared his throat nervously and asked if he could come in.

Castle stood back, giving him the unspoken permission to enter the room. As Castle shut the door, Alec held out his hand and said awkwardly, "Hey Son, in case you haven't figured it out, I'm your father."

"I know who you are, _Alec,_" he answered, ignoring his hand. "And it's Rick."

Letting his hand drop heavily to his side, Alec said, "I, uh, know I should have respected your decision not to contact me. I told myself I would. But after sitting in my hotel room for days waiting for the phone to ring, well, I just couldn't leave without at least trying to change your mind. So I decided to take a chance and show up."

Neither of them noticed Alexis come down the stairs until they heard her say, "Dad?" Castle could tell by the tremble in her voice that she was well aware of who their visitor was. They both turned towards her. As they did, Alec noticed Martha standing by the couch. Swallowing hard, he quietly said, "Martha? I..I didn't see you there." He kept his eyes locked on hers until Alexis reached her side. His eyes lit up as he turned to his granddaughter. "And you must be Alexis. I'm..."

"Mother," Castle said, "can you please take Alexis upstairs?"

Martha put her arm around Alexis and started steering her towards the stairs. "Come on, sweetheart. Let's give them some privacy."

She looked like she wanted to protest, but could tell by the look on her father's face that it wasn't a good idea. Not because she was afraid of getting in trouble, but because she could see that she had walked into a tense situation and she didn't want to make it worse. As she let her grandmother lead her up the stairs, she couldn't help but look back several times, desperate to take in the features of her grandfather. She was aware that there was a good chance that she may never see him again.

It wasn't until they were completely out of sight that Alec turned back to his son. "I can see that I made a mistake coming here. Look, I know I messed up and I don't blame you for hating me, but I really hope that you change your mind some day and will give me the chance to get to know you. And my granddaughter."

He walked over and opened the door. Standing in the doorway, he turned and said, "I can't promise that I won't contact you again. I don't know if I'm strong enough to stay away. But I will try and give you time. To wait until you're ready. You have my number, so... Anyway, it was great seeing you, Son- um, Rick." With a sad smile, he walked out closing the door behind him.

Rick stood there staring at the closed door. He found himself blinking hard to get rid of the sudden moisture pooling there. He was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that he had just met his father.

"Dad?" For the second time that evening his daughter had come down the stairs unnoticed. He turned to her and found himself drawn into a tight hug.

He kissed her on top of the head. "Are you okay?"

She smiled. "I was just going to ask you the same question."

"You know," he said thoughtfully, "I am. Care to join me for a bowl of ice cream?"

Five minutes later, they were sitting at the table which was covered with open ice cream toppings and two heaping bowls of chocolate ice cream.

"I can't believe it! Can you believe it? Ashley is never going to believe it! It's okay that I tell him, right? I mean, it's not a secret or anything, is it?"

Crossing his arms, he looked at her knowingly. "Okay," she said, smiling sheepishly, "I already told him. He can't believe it!"

He smiled at her enthusiasm. "It is pretty unbelievable, isn't it? You seem pretty excited. You like the idea of having a grandfather?"

She shrugged, obviously worried about how to answer. "I guess. But I'm more excited about you having a father. I mean, I didn't grow up living with my mother, but she was still a part of my life. And I always had Gram, who was like a mother. But you never had your father. Maybe it would be good for you to get to know him."

"Maybe. I don't know. Would you be horribly disappointed if I decided not to?"

"Of course not," she lied. She got up and gave him a hug. "I just want you to be okay."

"You don't have to worry. As long as I have you, I'm okay. Now why don't you head up to bed. I'll clean up this mess."

What he hadn't told Alexis was that he had already made up his mind that he was going to contact his father. He wasn't sure why the letters he had sent were so cold, but the emotion he had shown in person told another story. He wasn't ready to trust him yet, not by a long shot. But he was willing to take a chance and see where it led.

Before he could change his mind, he pulled the wrinkled paper out of his pocket and picked up his cell phone. Not quite ready for a conversation, he took the safer route of sending a text message.

**Alec- It was good seeing you too. Maybe we could have dinner before you head out of town?**

Before he could even put the phone down, he heard the single beep that notified him of a message. He opened up the phone.

**Would love that. Friday at 6:00? Renaldo's by the airport?**

Castle headed up to bed feeling both nervous and excited about the fact that he was going to be having dinner with his father in just two days. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and without thinking started to dial Kate's number. Before he could push the call button, he hung up.

What was he doing? He felt frustrated that even after the way she had treated him, she was still the first person he wanted to share this news with. But something had changed when she left so abruptly the other night. He was hurt and angry and had to question the status of their friendship. After all of the times he had been there for her, how could she just walk away the one time that he needed her to be there for him?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**'Didn't Castle Tell You?'**

When Kate came into work the next day, she was determined to put to rest any doubts that she had about Castle being upset with her. Despite what her therapist had said, she found it hard to believe that he would be mad. Running away from emotional situations was just what she did. He knew that about her and understood. If he wasn't talking much, well that made sense. He was dealing with a lot right now. Sure he was upset, but it didn't mean he was upset with _her_.

She smiled as she saw him walk off of the elevator, hands full as usual with two coffee cups. He walked over to her desk and set hers down, just as she reached for it. "Hey Castle," she said brightly.

"Hey. Any new leads on the Simon case?"

"I don't know. I just got here. I'll check with Ryan and Esposito in minute. Castle, I-"

He grabbed the file off of the desk. "There's Ryan now. I'm gonna go check with him," he said, walking away. She watched as he approached Ryan's desk. Whatever he said, it made Castle laugh. Absently she picked up the coffee cup that he had set on her desk and took a drink while walking over to join them. Ryan filled them in on the new developments and the day officially began.

It only took her until lunch time to realize that she was wrong. Now that she knew what to look for, it was a clear as crystal that Castle's subdued attitude had nothing to do with his personal situation and everything to do with her. The difference in the way he interacted with her and how he interacted with Ryan and Esposito was like night and day. He could be joking around with the guys one minute and all serious and business with her the next. Not only that, but she couldn't help but notice that he always avoided being alone with her. The minute they were, he found some excuse to go and do something else. Usually it was to go back and hang out with they guys. She wasn't sure he was mad exactly, but he was definitely keeping his distance from her. Physically and emotionally. '_How could I not have noticed how upset he is?' _she thought to herself, perplexed.

Her first instinct was to just leave things alone and wait for him to get over it. That was the easiest route and it had always worked before. But it had been several days and he didn't seem even close to getting over it. Realizing that she may have really hurt him bothered her a lot. But although she felt bad, she wasn't too concerned. After all, it wasn't too late. All she had to do now was get him alone and tell him how sorry she was. Feeling better already, she looked around, hoping he hadn't already left for lunch. She was anxious to get the conversation over with so things could get back to normal.

A few minutes later, Castle walked by on his way out. She grabbed his arm. "Hey. Do you have a minute?"

"Yo, Castle," Esposito called out. "Let's go!" She looked over to see Ryan and Esposito waiting by the elevator.

She waited until he looked back at her. "I need to talk to you. Please," she added when he didn't immediately agree to stay.

"You guys go without me," he finally said, motioning them away with his hand.

"You sure? Do you want us to grab you a burger? Beckett?"

"Sure," they both yelled back in unison bringing a small, reluctant smile to Castle's face.

He was all serious however as he sat down on the corner of her desk. "Castle, about the other night, I want to tell you that..."

She sighed in frustration as her sentence was interrupted by Castle's cell phone ringing. He looked down at the number and frowned. "It's Meredith." He answered the phone as he stood up, moving a slight distance away.

"Meredith?"

"I'm fine. How are you?" He looked over his shoulder at Kate and shrugged, clearly confused as to why his ex-wife was calling him. She looked down, pretending to flip through the file on her desk while straining to hear his half of the conversation.

"The letter? How did you..? Oh, you talked to Alexis."

"Yeah, I guess you could say it was quite a shock."

"No, I'm okay. At least I will be."

"You are?"

"No, I'm free for lunch."

He covered the phone and whispered, "I'll talk to you later," before turning and walking away. Right before he stepped into the elevator she heard him say, "You know, I'm really glad you called. I could use someone to talk to."

Kate watched the elevator doors shut, leaving her sitting alone at her desk. She was still sitting there when Ryan and Esposito returned twenty minutes later.

"Here's your burger," Ryan said, handing the paper-wrapped sandwich to her. He looked around. "Where's Castle?"

"He, um, went to lunch with Meredith."

"Meredith? Ex-wife Meredith?"

Esposito smiled wickedly. "Deep-fried Twinkie, Meredith?"

He quickly dropped his smile when Beckett glared at him before looking back at Ryan. "Yes. Ex-wife Meredith. Apparently she's in town and invited him to lunch."

"Good. He could use the distraction. Crazy about his dad, huh?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Do you believe he got that letter from him, out of the blue like that?"

Esposito shook his head. "And then to have his dad just show up at his door! Unbelievable!"

"What!" she said, almost chocking on the bite of a burger she had in her mouth. "He showed up at Castle's door? When?"

Esposito looked at Ryan, hoping he hadn't said something he wasn't supposed to. "Last night. Didn't Castle tell you?"

She shook her head, indicating that he had not told her. She felt a small knot form in her stomach as she came to the realization that the situation with Castle was worse that she had thought. She recalled Castle's words as he got on the elevator, about needing someone to talk to. Now she finds out that he had met his dad and hadn't even told her? Less than a week ago, she was the one he called when he needed to talk, now he kept the life-changing information about his father from her? She knew it was unfair, but she felt hurt that he hadn't told her about his father's visit.

More determined than ever to make things right with Castle, Kate spent the rest of the afternoon trying unsuccessfully to concentrate on the Simon case. Every few minutes she would catch herself watching the elevator door, waiting for it to open. As each hour went by with no Castle, she became more and more discouraged. Finally it became evident that he wasn't coming back. '_Obviously he isn't interested in what I had to talk to him about.'_ she thought sadly as she eventually gave up and began shutting down her work station.

"So, guess who I had lunch with today," Castle said to his mother and daughter later that evening, as they sat down for dinner. When they both gave up he told them.

"Meredith?" his mother asked, obviously surprised. "What on earth were you doing having lunch with Meredith?"

"Why don't you ask your granddaughter," he answered, looking pointedly at Alexis. She winced.

"Sorry, Dad. In my defense, I didn't know she would come flying out here. She called and I just couldn't not tell her about Alec. Are you mad?"

"No, of course I'm not mad. In fact, I actually enjoyed myself. Turns out, it was nice to have someone to talk to about this whole 'father' thing."

Martha frowned. "That's fine, but Richard, you know can always talk to me. That's what family is for."

"Yeah, Dad," Alexis added.

He wasn't sure how to answer them. He already felt bad for holding back about his plans to have dinner with his father. But he still felt it was in their best interest not to know about it. At least for now. "I know. And I appreciate it. But sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's not as close to the situation."

Alexis nodded. "I get it. It's like when I talk to Ashley," she said, ignoring the eye rolling from her grandmother. "What about Kate? You can talk to her."

"Yeah, well apparently I can't." At their questioning looks, he gave them a quick overview of his conversation with Kate earlier in the week.

Alexis looked confused. "I don't get it? She just left? Why?"

"I don't know. She just got up and said it was late and she had to go. I could tell that something was making her uncomfortable, but I have no idea what. To be completely honest," he added, throwing his napkin onto his now empty plate, "I'm not sure I even care." Talking about it just made him angry all over again.

"Well, that just doesn't make sense," Martha said, sounding thoughtful.

Before she could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. They all froze. The last time an unannounced visitor came knocking it was his father. By the silence in the room, he knew that his daughter and mother were thinking the same thing. He slowly pushed his chair back and walked over to the door. This time he was prepared to face his father when he threw the door open. That's why it took him by surprise when instead he found himself staring into the eyes of a very nervous looking Kate Beckett.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"**I'm Sorry"**

Kate stood in the open doorway, nervously waiting to be invited in. Just when she thought it might not happen, Castle moved back, motioning for her to enter. She walked in and smiled hesitantly when she saw Martha and Alexis standing by the table. By the way Alexis stood with her arms crossed, and Martha's uncharacteristic silence, she was pretty sure that he had talked to him about her. Despite the sudden urge to turn around and walk right back out the door, she squared her shoulders and walked over to them, saying hello.

Although Alexis didn't respond other than to offer a small, polite smile, Martha broke her silence and told Kate it was good to see her before ushering Alexis upstairs, giving them some privacy. She took a deep, settling breath, then turned to find Castle, who was sitting on the couch. She walked over and sat down opposite him. He sat silently, eyes focused on his hands that were resting in his lap. Obviously he was not going to make this easy for her.

"So, did you enjoy your lunch with Meredith?" she asked, trying to keep the jealously out of her tone. The way he lifted his head and looked at her, raising one eyebrow, she could tell that she had not succeeded.

"As a matter fact I did."

"I was waiting for you to come back so we could talk."

He shrugged. "Lunch went longer than expected. Then I drove Meredith back to the airport."

"Esposito told me about your dad showing up here." She paused, hoping he would give her the details of his visit. When he didn't she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I guess I didn't think you cared to hear about what was going on with me and my father."

"You don't think I would care about you meeting your father?" she asked incredulously. "How could you think that?"

"Gee, I don't know," he answered, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe because the last time I tried to talk to you about him, you didn't bother to stick around and listen?"

His tone stung. "That's not fair, Castle. Just because I-"

"You don't think that's fair? Really? What would you call it?"

"A mistake. I made a mistake, okay? I shouldn't have left when I did. And I'm sorry."

He looked at her, frowning. "You're sorry? That's it? You're sorry?"

"Yes. I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Maybe you could start with telling me why you left."

She got up and started walking around restlessly as she tried to put in to words what she had been feeling that night. "I don't know. It's hard to explain. You were just so upset and I didn't know how to respond to that. I started feeling anxious and I, I don't know...I just-"

"Left," he said, finishing her sentence. "You felt anxious so you left."

"Yes, I left. And I said I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "You just don't get it do you?"

"What I don't get is why you are so mad! You know how I am. It wasn't anything personal. It's just me."

He abruptly stood up, facing her. "Did it ever occur to you that everything isn't about you? This was about me. I have always been there for you, Kate. I've been there when you needed to talk, when you just needed someone there. Hell, I've even left you alone when that's what you needed- even though it killed me to do it. But the _one time_ that I needed you, you weren't there. Because you felt _anxious_? That's not good enough."

She felt tears sting the back of her eyes. This was not going at all how she had planned. She desperately tried to turn it around. "I told you, I didn't know what to do."

"That's just it. You didn't need to _do_ anything. You didn't need to say anything. I just needed you to be there. And you weren't."

Castle could see by the hurt look on her face that what he was saying was upsetting her. He knew he should stop, but it felt so good to finally be honest about how he felt. The frustration of all of the times she had shut him out caused him to keep going.

"You have pushed me away so many times, but I always come back, foolishly thinking that someday you'll trust me enough to let me in. But I'm starting to think that's never going to happen. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. You don't even seem to care how your actions affect others. You just take and take and never give anything back!"

They both stood in shocked silence as his harsh words hung in the air. He knew immediately that he had gone too far. He didn't need to see the devastated look on her face to tell him that. He had been cruel, and that wasn't like him. He wished he could take it back. Sort of. He still felt that it had needed to be said, but he could have found a better way to say it. A way that wouldn't make her look like she had been just been sucker punched in gut.

Watching her closely, he saw the tears well up in her eyes as his words hit home. Before they could fall though, she stubbornly blinked them away and started to walk past him towards the door. As frustrated as he was with her, he couldn't let her leave. Not like this. He grabbed her arm gently, stopping her. "Listen, I shouldn't have said that."

"Did you mean it?" she asked quietly. When he didn't answer, she lifted her chin defiantly and asked him loudly. "Did you mean it?"

She stared straight into his eyes, daring him to lie to her. "Yes, but-"

That's all he got out before she pulled her arm out of his hand forcefully and walked to the door. She yanked it open, but before she could walk through, he called out "Kate, wait!"

He held his breath waiting to see if she would turn around or walk away. She stood there for what seemed like an eternity before she finally turned her head, looking over her shoulder at him. When she did, he said, "Don't go. Let's talk about this." More than anything he wanted her to stay, to show him that she was willing to at least try and work things out.

His hopes were dashed when she shook her head sadly and said, "There's nothing left to say," before she walked out, closing the door behind her.

His lingering anger mixed with an overwhelming sadness as he watched her walk away. He dropped down onto the couch, emotionally exhausted. Closing his eyes, he jumped when Martha sat down next to him.

"Are you okay?" she asked with obvious worry in her voice.

"I take it you heard everything? Spying at the top of the stairs again?"

"Of course not!" she replied, looking offended. "I simply came down to use the restroom-"

"There's a bathroom in your room, mother," he said, looking at her knowingly.

"Fine. I was spying. Happy? But enough about that," she said, changing the subject. "What are you going to do now?"

He sighed wearily. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I do know that I shouldn't have said what I did. I was just so frustrated!"

She smiled. "You do realize that you get so frustrated because of your feelings for her? If you didn't care so much, it wouldn't bother you so much."

Actually, he did know that. But caring about her obviously wasn't enough. He had meant it when he said he couldn't do this anymore. He was tired of trying so hard and getting no where. Maybe it was time for him to cut his losses and move on.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Trust**

Kate came into work the next morning exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before. As she sat at her desk waiting for Castle to come in, she still felt shocked at how badly things had turned out. She had gone over to apologize, hoping to get things back to normal between them, but instead they were farther apart than ever before. Sitting in the quiet of the 12th, with only a few officers on duty, she couldn't get last night out of her head.

Worried that she was going to break down and cry at the things he had said about her, Kate had left Castle's loft quickly the night before. Then she had driven home in a state of unbelief. Torn between feeling hurt and angry, she had replayed his words over and over as she paced the length of her apartment for almost an hour before finally going to bed, hoping to lose herself in the comfort of sleep.

But sleep wouldn't come. Instead, every time she closed her eyes, scenes of her life appeared behind her closed lids, almost like a slide show. Castle showing up at her door with flowers. Castle showing up with coffee or food. Castle refusing to leave when things got dangerous- declaring himself her partner. Castle standing in her apartment begging her not to pursue the case of her mother's killer. Her responding to his grave concern by telling him coldly that they were over and kicking him out, only to have him show up at the airplane hangar the night Roy was killed carrying her to safety, holding her so closely as he comforted her that she couldn't tell where his body stopped and hers started. Hearing his desperate declaration of love as she lay bleeding in the grass after being shot. Leaving her for months to heal when that's what she needed from him- although she could only guess what that act had cost him.

The hurt and anger she had been feeling slipped away as the memories washed over her, leaving guilt and sadness in their wake. And as the darkness gave way to the first light of dawn, she finally gave up on trying to sleep and got up, starting her day hours earlier than usual.

When Castle walked in an hour later, he found Kate sitting quietly at her desk, staring off into the distance, apparently deep in thought. His stomach knotted as he saw the dark, bruise-like circles under her eyes, evidence of a sleepless night. A result, no doubt, of his harsh words from the night before. He hated that he had caused her pain. Even though the chances of a relationship with her had dwindled significantly, and even though he didn't know if they could even remain friends at this point, he didn't want to hurt her. He still cared about her- more than he should- and thought he probably always would. He realized that no matter what, the feelings he had for her would always be there. He hoped they could find a way to get through this without becoming enemies.

"Kate," he called out gently. She turned towards him, clearly surprised that he was there. She hadn't even heard him walk in. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Nodding, she stood up and followed him into the break room, which was unusually deserted. He poured them both a cup of coffee and handed her one as he sat down across from her. She smiled sadly at the gesture.

"Castle-"

"Kate-"

They spoke in unison. He put his hand up, palm out, motioning for her to stop. "Me first." Looking down at his other hand tightly gripping his coffee cup, he said "Kate, about those things I said yesterday. I never should have said them. I was upset and frustrated and I had a lot on my mind." Lifting his eyes to look into hers, he said "I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "Don't. Don't say you're sorry. What you said... it was true. All of it. Castle, you've been a good...friend... to me and you didn't deserve to be treated that way." She stumbled slightly over the word friend. It seemed like such an inadequate word. What they had was so much more, but she couldn't find the accurate name to describe it. "If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't intentional. I never meant to be so-"

"I know that. If I thought it was, I would have been gone a long time ago. I know that you didn't mean it."

For the first time since she left his place yesterday, Kate felt hopeful that the damage she had been done could be repaired. She smiled, relieved. "So, we're good?"

Her smile was quickly replaced by a frown when he looked away, no longer meeting her eyes. When he finally looked back at her, she felt the feeling of hope slip away. The look on his face told her what she needed to know before he spoke the words.

He sat there a moment, choosing his words carefully. "Trust is important to me, and I don't know that I can trust you, Kate. So, honestly, no. We're not good. But we're better," he added. It was true. She had admitted to him that she was at fault, and he knew that wasn't easy for her. Unfortunately, he still didn't think he could trust her to be there for him and not to push him away again if he got too close. Unless he could trust her, there was no way they could get back what they had, let alone move forward.

They were sitting there silently, not knowing what else there was to say, when Ryan and Esposito came in to get coffee. They looked at each of them, sensing the tension between them.

"Everything okay?" Esposito asked.

"Yeah," Castle answered as Kate nodded.

Esposito looked at Ryan, silently conveying that he didn't believe everything was okay. They walked out, intending to give them time to finish their conversation, but Castle got up and followed. Kate sat there for a minute before she too went over to join them.

When she did, she heard Castle telling them that he was planning on having dinner with his father later that evening. She started to walk away, not wanting to intrude on their conversation, but he briefly made eye contact with her before continuing. She took that to mean that he didn't mind her hearing what he had to stay, so she sat on the nearest desk and listened.

"So we're meeting at 6:00 at Renaldo's."

Esposito whistled appreciatively. "Renaldo's. Fancy. Are Alexis and Martha going?"

"No. I didn't even tell them about it."

Ryan frowned, confused. "Why not?"

"I guess I want to see how things go before they get involved. Alexis was so excited. You should have seen her. She tries to hide it, so she doesn't upset me, but I can tell that she loves the idea of Alec being a part of our lives. I don't know what is more important to her. Her having a grandfather, or me having a father. She'll be crushed if things don't work out. I don't want to get her hopes up. And my mother, I don't know. It really seemed to shake her up when she saw him the other day. No, I think it's best if I go alone and see where this leads before I tell them."

Ryan shook his head, agreeing. "Man, you must be so excited!"

Castle smiled. "I am. But I'm nervous too. Is that weird?"

"No, man," Esposito said. "I'd be nervous too. Heck, I'm nervous, and it's not even me," he added, smiling.

Ryan said, "I know. I wouldn't know what to say. I hate that. When there's just all that empty time where no one talks. So awkward."

Castle swallowed hard at Ryan's words. He was more nervous than he wanted to admit. He did worry about what they would talk about. What does one say to the man who left him and never looked back?

Determined to take his mind off of it, he asked Esposito about the case they were working on. For the rest of the afternoon, he focused on the case, and forced himself not to think about the upcoming dinner with his father.

**Later** **that evening**, Castle stood inside the lobby of Renaldo's, working up the nerve to go and ask the hostess to direct him to the table that his father was already occupying. He couldn't believe how nervous he was. Not for the first time, he wondered if he had made a mistake in agreeing to have dinner with him. He was so worried that things wouldn't work out and he would be disappointed. But despite his nervousness, there was also excitement. He couldn't believe he was going to be having dinner with his father!

Wiping his suddenly damp hands on the front of his slacks, he took a deep breath and walked over to the hostess podium. He gave her his father's name. She directed him to follow her. Before he could take a step, he felt a hand on his arm. He turned and was surprised to find Kate standing next to him. She locked her eyes on his and said, quietly, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. But I'm here for you now. You don't have to do this alone."

Without breaking eye contact, she slid her hand down his arm, letting her hand slip into his, giving it a comforting squeeze before lacing her fingers with his. Together they followed the hostess to his father's table.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Dinner**

Having Kate's soft hand in his suddenly made everything so much easier. He wasn't naïve enough to think that her showing up would solve all of their problems, but he would worry about that later. For now he would just enjoy this moment. Dinner with his father with Kate by his side. He felt a huge grin form on his face. He doubted he could erase it if he tried.

When they approached the table, Alec stood up and awkwardly held out his hand. He smiled with relief when Castle readily shook it. He was so focused on his son that he seemed momentarily confused when he realized that Castle had a woman with him.

"I hope you don't mind if we have someone join us," Castle said. He hadn't had time to think about how Alec might feel having Kate along. "This is-". He hesitated, not sure how to introduce her.

Immediately recognizing the problem, Kate quickly leaned in with a bright smile, offering her hand. "Hi. I'm Detective Kate Beckett."

He shook her hand smiling. "Of course I don't mind. Please join us." They all sat down.

Alec was still smiling. "So you're the famous Kate Beckett. The Detective that Nikki Heat is based on!"

Kate raised her eyebrows, surprised. "You know about Nikki Heat?"

"Of course," he replied. Although he was answering her, his eyes were focused on Castle as he said, "I've read all of my son's books."

Turning back to Kate, he said, "I guess the rumors are true, then."

"What rumors?"

"That you're involved with my son, of course."

Kate felt her face grow warm. "Oh well, we're not... I mean we're just..." She looked at Castle for help, but before he could intervene the waiter stopped at their table to take their order,much to Kate's relief.

Although Castle was kind of enjoying seeing her so flustered, he decided it was best to change the subject. While they waited for their food to arrive, he asked Alec several benign questions. About his work, his flight. Small talk. He didn't know how to approach the big stuff. Why he left. Why he never came back.

When their food arrived, his father turned the tables, asking him about his life. Kate sat back, letting them talk. Anyone observing their table would probably wonder at the dynamics of the three diners. The two men spent the whole meal sneaking glances at each other, obviously not wanting to get caught staring. Kate on the other hand, found herself turning from one man to the other, as if watching a tennis match. She was intrigued by the similarities between the two. They had the same build and coloring. From the front, the resemblance ended there, except for their chins which she could see Castle had inherited from his father. But it was their profiles that had her staring. It was exactly the same! She shook her head in amazement. Of course, being father and son, she shouldn't be surprised that they looked so much alike.

What did surprise her were other things. Smaller, more subtle things. They way they tilted their head when listening intently. Their speech patterns. Even the way they held their eating utensils. Were these things inherited as well? How could two people behave so similarly when they hadn't met until now?

It was because she was so closely observing them that she saw the slight shift in Castle's body language. He had put his utensils down and was nervously picking at the napkin in his lap. She guessed that the small talk was over. She casually reached under the table and grabbed his hand. He looked at her and she smiled in encouragement while once again giving his hand a comforting squeeze. Pulling her hand away, she stood up and excused herself. Pretending the need to use the ladies room, she left to give them the privacy that she felt they needed.

Both men watched her walk away. When she was out of sight, Alec turned back to his son and said, "I can see why you chose her as your inspiration for your Nikki Heat novels. So tell me, is it serious between you two?"

"No, actually it's not. Things with Kate are... complicated. But we're not here to talk about my relationship with Kate."

"No. We're not," Alec agreed quietly.

They both sat silently for a minute. Finally Alec spoke. "Things with your mother were complicated too. Did she every tell you how we met?"

"No. She never really said much about you at all."

He nodded, as if not surprised. "I met your mother at a Casino in Reno. She was there on a vacation with friends. I was sitting at the Black Jack table when I heard her laughing from clear across the room. I dropped everything and went to find her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Wild red hair flowing around her shoulders, wearing the most outlandish outfit I had ever seen. And that laugh! It was infectious. I was drawn to her like a bee to honey. I spent the rest of the evening doing everything I could to get her to notice me. And it worked. Soon she was sitting at the table with me, my lady luck. We spent the rest of the week together. It was amazing. I had never met anyone like her. I think I was in love before the week was up. When her friends went back to their lives, Martha stayed behind. With me. We spent the next 2 months together. It was the best 2 months of my life. Most of it of course revolved around the casino. And the ponies." Alec smiled wistfully. "Your mother loved the ponies. And she could pick the winners. She didn't have any special tricks. Just said she liked the names. Problem was, for her it was a vacation. For me it was a way of life. Her hobby, my obsession. At the end of the two months, she found out she was pregnant. We were thrilled. Martha, your mother, she started making all these plans. Plans that didn't involve big cities, gambling and ponies. Plans that certainly didn't involve the type of people that I associated with on a regular basis. I agreed. We packed our bags and left it all behind. Settled down in a small neighborhood. I got a 9-5 job in auto sales and life was good. For a while. I'm sure you know where this story goes from here. I just couldn't stay away from the old life. I told myself that I could control it. Just a little on the side. I even convinced myself I was doing for your mother and you. So you could have everything I couldn't give you selling used cars."

Castle could tell that this was not an easy story for his father to tell. It wasn't an easy one to hear either. He felt tempted to ask him to stop, to spare them both the pain. But he needed to hear it as much as his father seemed to need to tell it. He nodded for him to continue.

"It didn't take long for your mother to figure out what was going on. She had caught some of the old crowd hanging around the car lot. Saw the balance in the bank account dwindle almost over night. I came home one day, about a month before you were born, and she had my bags packed, waiting for me. She told me that there was no way she was going to raise a child with a man who couldn't stay away from the tables. She gave me a card for Gambler's Anonymous and told me not to come back until I was ready to be a father. I walked out determined to be back before you were born." He lowered his head. "But it didn't work out that way. Gambling... it's like a drug. Once you get it in your blood you just can't walk away. I tried. I swear to you I did. Every year that went by I promised myself that by your next birthday I would be there to celebrate. I even tried contacting you a couple of times, but Martha was determined that I stay away. Not that I blame her. I don't. She was only trying to protect you. I was mad at the time, but I know now that she was right. I would never have been able to stick around and that would have been worse than staying away." He stopped here and looked at his son, his eyes begging him to understand. His shoulders slumping dejectedly when Castle looked away.

"Anyway," he continued. "Right after your 10th birthday, I finally found the strength to walk away. I started going to meetings regularly, cut ties with all of my gambling buddies and got a real job. I was doing what I needed to do to be a part of your life. Then I got a call from an old friend who offered to cut me in on a huge opportunity. Said I would be set for life. I had visions of showing up at your door with everything a ten year old could want. The latest video game, a racing bike, an awesome stereo system. And enough money to buy your mom the house of her dreams. I was gonna get the family I always dreamed of. Of course it didn't work out that way. Not only did I lose everything, I owed some very bad people a lot of money. I did the only thing I could. Pretend I didn't have a family and leave town. These people, they would think nothing of using you and your mother against me." He laughed humorlessly. "I know how this sounds. Like something out of one of your novels. But believe me when I tell you, there are some very bad people out there." Castle did believe him. He had come in contact with some of them and was actively searching for one in particular.

Before he could ask the obvious question, his father supplied the answer. "The threat is gone. It took a long time and a lot of money, but I'm finally free. I have been for a few years. It took me that long to work up the nerve to contact you."

His tale finally told, Alec waited silently while his son sat and tried to digest everything he had heard. That is how Kate found them when she finally returned to the table. Tempted to break the silence, she sat quietly, waiting for one of them to speak.

Finally, Alec did. With a forced jovial tone, he said, "Well, as much as I hate to go, I have a plane to catch." He stood up and she and Castle did the same.

"It was wonderful to meet you, Kate. I'm really glad you could join us."

Kate held out her hand, but he pulled her into a hug instead. She hugged him back, smiling.

"Rick, will you walk me out?" he asked. Castle looked at Kate, who motioned for him to go. She sat back down and watched them from the table as they walked away.

When they got to the lobby, Alec turned to his son. "I know this has been a lot for you to take in. Honestly I hadn't planned to tell you all of this yet. I was hoping to get the chance to get to know you better first. So you could know the man I am now. Not the one I was then. Anyway, give it some time. And if you are willing, I would really like to see you again."

Alec started to walk away, but stopped when Castle called his name.

"I was thinking, maybe next time you're in town, we could do this again. And I could bring Alexis. I know she would love to get to know her grandfather."

The smile on his father's face brought a matching one to Castle's. It was clear how much the offer meant to him. Without thinking, he leaned forward and hugged him. He actually felt tears in his eyes when his father hugged him back tightly. He managed to blink them away before his father pulled away, but they threatened to return when he saw his father wipe away suspicious moisture from his own eyes before walking out of the restaurant.

After taking a moment to get his emotions under control, he turned around and walked back to the table. He sat down and let out a big sigh. He felt like he had been on an emotional roller coaster. Hearing that his father hadn't been a part of his life because of a gambling problem was not what he had expected or wanted to hear. But at least now he knew that his father hadn't just walked away because he didn't care. He didn't like it, but he could understand it. And get past it. He looked over at Kate, who was just sitting watching him. Now that his father was gone, he could focus on her. She had been so quiet the whole evening, letting them do the talking. But her calm presence had made all the difference.

"Thank you. It really helped having you here."

She reached over and put her hand on his arm. "You don't have to thank me. I'm glad I could help."

Castle looked down at where her hand rested on his arm. He thought about how she had held his hand earlier, not just once, but twice, in an effort to make things easier for him. He should be thrilled, but he wasn't. As grateful as he was for her support, nothing had changed. He couldn't get used to hand holding and eating out together. Tomorrow they would be right back where they were before, only now he would know what he was missing. He casually pulled his arm out from under her hand. Not casually enough, he realized, when he saw the look on her face.

She knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. Her showing up tonight was a start, but he still didn't trust her. She couldn't say that she blamed him. She didn't have a very good track record when it came to him. She tried to think of something that she could say that would help him understand that she was serious about repairing the damage she had done to their relationship. When she saw him motion for the waitress to bring their bill, she blurted out the one thing that she thought would make a difference.

"I'm seeing a therapist. We...I...talk about you. Us."

That she was seeing a therapist was not a surprise to him. He had heard that she was. That she talked to her therapist about him? Now that was a surprise. He looked at her, waiting for her to tell him more. She had lowered her head, allowing her hair to cover her face like a curtain. Hiding. Obviously that admission made her uncomfortable. He thought for a moment and then said, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

She looked up and he could see the indecision in her eyes. To run away, or stay and talk.

He let out the breath he didn't even realize he was holding when she smiled and said, "Yeah, I'd like that."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**MORE**

After paying the bill, Castle followed Kate out into the chilly night air. With no destination in mind, they started walking away from the lights and the crowds.

"So, your dad looked happy when he left. Things went well?" she asked. Castle felt the familiar twinge of frustration as she immediately steered the conversation away from the subject of her therapist, but his lingering excitement about the time spent with his father quickly overshadowed it.

"Yeah, actually it did. I mean, it wasn't an easy conversation to have, but, yeah, I think it went well."

"You guys seemed like you were having a pretty serious discussion. Did he tell you why he left?" When he didn't answer right away, Kate worried that she was pushing for too much information. She, more than anyone, knew how uncomfortable that could be and decided to back off. "Forget I asked, I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's okay. I just haven't had much time to even process it all." Without going into too much detail, he filled her in on the conversation they had had. "You should have heard the way he talked about my mother. I could tell he really loved her. In the end, that's the most important thing. Although, in the end, I guess it's also the most tragic. That they were in love, but his gambling kept them apart."

She heard the wistful tone in his voice and imagined that he was thinking about how different things would have been if his father had just walked away from the gambling.

"Do you plan on seeing him again?"

"Yeah. We haven't made any firm plans, but I did tell him that next time he's in town we'll go out again, and I'll bring Alexis. I know she wants to get to know him, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way."

"What about Martha?"

"I don't know. They both looked really uncomfortable when they saw each other last week. I guess I'll have to see how she feels after I tell her about tonight. The last thing I want is for her to be hurt by any of this. Maybe just Alexis and I should go the first time?"

While listening to Castle talk, Kate couldn't help but notice the other couples out enjoying late night walks. Couples holding hands or arms around each other, cuddling to keep warm. Talking and laughing. She looked over at Castle; walking several inches apart from her, hands in his pockets, just as hers were, for warmth. She felt such a strong, sudden longing for that kind of connection with him that it brought a sting of unexpected tears to her eyes.

"You okay?" Castle asked at her sudden silence.

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine," she said sounding distracted. It made him wonder what she was thinking about. Was she finally going to tell him about her therapy? As anxious as he was to find out more about it, Castle forced himself not to ask. Knowing Kate, the more he pushed the more she would shut down. They walked silently for several minutes. Just when he thought she might have changed her mind about sharing, she spoke, her voice quiet in the dark.

"After I was...shot, I had to see a therapist, before they would let me come back to work."

"I'm not surprised. It's standard procedure," he commented, noting the slight hesitation before the word 'shot'.

"Yeah, I know. After I saw him a couple of times, he cleared me for work and I thought I was okay. But I wasn't. I'm not. So a few weeks ago, I started seeing him again. I talk to him about my mom. The shooting,..."

"Us," he prompted when she stopped talking.

"It's funny. He's the one who figured out you were upset with me."

_Interesting, _he thought to himself. _I wonder what she had told him in order for him to come to that conclusion?_

As if he had asked the question out loud, she said, "I told him. About you calling me to come over, and me running away. He asked me how that was going to 'affect our relationship'. I told him it wouldn't. That you'd understand. Like you always did. Of course I was wrong."

There was a mix of confusion and sadness in her voice. The way she said it made him almost feel guilty for being mad at her. Like he had somehow let her down.

"Maybe I over-reacted," he said. "I was so stressed out about this thing with my dad, and-"

"No," she said firmly. "No, you didn't over-react. I told you before that you were right. I let my own hangups get in the way of helping you, and that wasn't fair."

He frowned in the dark. She had told him, more than once, that he was right and she shouldn't have taken off. Although he appreciated that, he was still confused as to why she left in the first place. "I still don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me why you left when you did. There was no reason to run."

She didn't hear any of the earlier anger or frustration in his voice, just the genuine need to know. He deserved a better answer than the one she had given him. She wished she had one. The expectation to explain her feelings to him brought back the sense of anxiety that always came with these types of discussions, especially with him. She reacted to that familiar feeling the way she usually did, by ending the conversation.

Crossing her arms in front of her and rubbing them briskly, she said, "It's getting chilly. I think we should head back." Without waiting for a response, she turned and started to walk back, towards the restaurant. He grabbed her upper arm and forced her to turn around.

"Dammit, Kate. Don't do this. Talk to me. Help me understand. Give me a reason to stay in this!" They were almost under a street light, and there was just enough light for her to make out his features. She saw determination. Maybe a trace of anger. But mostly desperation.

"I don't know," she responded, her tone reflecting the same desperation she saw on his face. She repeated what she had told him before, about not knowing how to help him, but she knew that there was more to it than that. What exactly it was, she honestly didn't know, although she had that 'tip of your tongue' feeling where it's just out of reach. "I don't know what it is. I can't explain it."

Castle shook his head and then, as she had, turned to walk away. "Castle, wait. Please." When he stopped, she walked around him and turned so she was facing him again. "I'm not holding out, I honestly don't know. That's what being in therapy is all about."

He looked at her intently. He didn't see any sign that what she was saying wasn't true. Normally, this was the point where he always walked away, unwilling to hurt her by pushing too hard. Not this time. Maybe she really didn't know, but the fact that he was in this position again made him determined to try and get an answer.

"Come on, Kate. What was so hard about being there for me? That's what partners, friends, do for each other. It didn't have to be about anything more."

"Of course it did!" she responded loudly, throwing her hands in the air. "Everything with us is 'more'!" It was true. When it came to Castle, everything just seemed more. More exciting, more fun, more intense and more anxiety. That's what made the idea of a relationship with him so scary. What they had was more real than any other relationship she had had since her mother's murder, and she knew that she had much more to lose if it didn't work out.

Even in the dim light, he could see the uncomfortable look on her face. '_Everything with us is more?' _He repeated to himself. While far from a declaration of love, that small sentence, uttered out loud, was very telling to him. It resonated in him, and summed up exactly why he had stuck around as long as he had in this non-relationship. Everything with them _was_ more. He could only imagine how much 'more' this relationship could be if she would finally let go and trust it. He knew that it would like none other he had ever had.

She looked at him and saw that he looked stunned by what she had said. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, of course not. It's just good to hear you say things like that."

"Come on, Castle. You don't have have to sound so surprised. I might not say it, but you know how I feel."

His look went from stunned to incredulous. "You're kidding, right?"

A small wrinkle formed between her eyes as she frowned in confusion. "But we talked. On the swings. I told you that I needed to resolve things so that we could move on."

"We?" He racked his brain, but knew that he hadn't missed anything that significant. If she had said 'we' he would have remembered. "There was no 'we' Kate. Just you."

"Well, I might not have said it, but you knew what I meant."

"No. I didn't know. I _hoped_ that's what you meant. There's a big difference. Actually, nothing about that conversation was very clear. Just how long are you willing to wait for you mother's murder to be solved? What if that doesn't happen for five years? Ten? What if it's never solved. What then?"

The questions hit Kate hard. Those were the exact same ones she had asked herself. That and another big one. What if it were solved today? Would she expect all of her hang ups to just disappear as soon as the words 'case closed' were written on the file? What if too much damage had already been done and she found herself in the same situation she was in now? Afraid to let herself love and be loved? That thought was almost too much to bear. Maybe it explained why she held so tightly to her mother's case. It was like an emotional crutch. Once it was gone, she would have nothing to hide behind and that scared her.

Castle watched the emotions play across her face in the dim light. Obviously his questions had made her think. He saw a flash of pain distort her features briefly before she was able to mask it from him. Biting her lip, she finally turned to him. She didn't have to say a word. He had seen that look many times before. As far as she was concerned, this conversation was over. Shaking his head in defeat, he started walking back. This time she didn't stop him.

As they walked, he didn't say a single word. She knew that once again she had managed to disappoint him and it didn't feel good. It did, however, make her feel determined to get herself together and decide what she wanted. She had taken Castle for granted, assuming that he would be there no matter what, but now she was very aware that her assumption was wrong. She wouldn't make that mistake again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**The Love of my Life**

"Morning, Mother," Castle called out from the kitchen when he saw her coming down the stairs. "I'm making omelets. Do you know if Alexis is awake yet?"

"Doubtful. She was up half the night Skaping."

It took a second for him to figure out what she meant. Chuckling at her slight mispronunciation he said, "It's 'Skyping', Mother. Not 'Skaping'."

"Whatever," she said dismissing his correction with a flutter of her hand. "So what's the occasion?" she asked, nodding her head towards the elaborate omelet set up he had going on.

"Does there have to be an occasion for me to make my two favorite girls omelets?"

She looked at him shrewdly and sat down at the counter to watch as he whipped together the ingredients for a western omelet, her favorite. Despite his cheerful outward attitude, she sensed a pensive mood lurking under the surface.

Several minutes later he placed the dish in front of her. She took a bite, closing her eyes in delight. "Perfect, as usual. So, are you going to tell me what's got you all wound up?"

Leaning over his own plate, he moved the eggs around with his fork. He was feeling a little anxious about telling his mother about his dinner with Alec.

"Oh for goodness sakes, Richard, whatever it is, just say it already."

As casually as possible he said, "I had dinner with Alec last night." Taking a bite, he watched her out of the corner of his eye to gauge her reaction to the news. Her fork froze half way to her mouth. A second later, she returned it to her plate, the food uneaten. Her face showed no emotion, but he had a feeling she was purposely feigning indifference for his benefit.

Pushing her plate away she said, "Really? I didn't even know you had plans. How did it go?"

"It went really well, actually. Better than I expected."

"I'm glad."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. I think it's great that you are getting the chance to know your father."

"So, it won't bother you if I have a relationship with him? Because if it does-"

She gently put her hand on his, silencing him. "I want you to do what makes you happy."

"I'm curious... Why didn't you tell me? About him. About his gambling?"

She looked surprised that he knew about that. "It just never seemed to be the right time. At first it was because you were too young to understand. Then when you were 11, you wrote that essay about your father. Do you recall that?"

He frowned, struggling to remember. He finally shook his head.

"When you were in the 6th grade, I ran into your teacher at the store. She told me all about the fabulous essay you had written about your father. The doctor. A surgeon that saved lives every day. When I asked you about it, you said-"

"You never know. He _might _be a famous doctor," he finished, as the memory came to him finally.

"You said it so defiantly, like you dared me to contradict you. It seemed so important to you that he had a noteworthy career. I just didn't have the heart to ruin the image you had of him. I figured that if that's what you needed to believe to help you deal with him not being around, then so be it. Maybe it wasn't the right decision, but I did what I felt was best."

He could here defensiveness in her voice. "I wasn't criticizing," he assured her. "You were right. I loved growing up imagining all the things my father could be. By allowing me to do that, you made it okay."

His heartfelt statement brought tears of relief to Martha's eyes. Secretly she had always worried about her decision to keep Alec's past from her son. His sudden re-appearance had brought it all back, so hearing Rick tell her that her decision was the right one lifted a huge weight off of her shoulders.

"Hey, is everything okay?" They had been so engrossed in their conversation that they hadn't noticed Alexis come down the stairs. She was now looking at them with concern as she took in their serious expressions. "Did I miss something?"

"Everything's fine. And I am making omelet's. Want one?" He started throwing ham into the pan when she yelped, "Dad! Stop!"

"What?" He looked down, alarmed, to see what had caused her to react so strongly.

"That," she said, making a sour face and pointing at the ham. "Do you realize how pigs are treated before they are slaughtered for our selfish appetites?"

"But you love..." He stopped when he caught his mother's eye. She shook her head and put up her hands, silently warning him not to argue. Shrugging, he took the skillet over to the sink and dumped the ham out. He started to crack an egg into the now empty pan when she grabbed his arm. "I think I'll just have toast."

When Alexis finally had her breakfast in front of her, Martha said, "I think your father has something he wants to tell you."

Looking into his daughter's curious eyes, he told her that he had had dinner with Alec.

He watched her eyes go wide with surprise. He could see the excited sparkle in them. "What? When? Why didn't you tell me? What did he say? Are you going to see him again?"

"Well if you would let me get a word in edgewise, I could tell you," he said laughing at her exuberance.

"Dinner. Last night. I didn't want to get your hopes up. And yes, I am going to see him again." As he answered her questions he pointed to one finger at a time, counting them off. "Did I miss anything?"

She tilted her head, running the questions through her mind. "Yes, you missed the most important one. What did he say?"

Castle looked at his mother. In that moment, he could completely understand her decision to keep the truth about her father from him. Alexis was almost an adult, and wise beyond her years and he still found it hard to tell her about his father's gambling.

"He said he was sorry that he wasn't there for me growing up." Not his exact words, but Castle had gotten that message from him, so he didn't feel as if it were a lie. "He had a lot of issues that kept him from being a father."

She frowned. "Like what?"

When Castle hesitated, Martha answered her instead. "He was a gambler, Alexis. He couldn't give it up. Not even for me... for his son," she quickly corrected

Both Castle and Alexis turned to stare at her in response to her bitter tone. When she saw the look of surprise on their faces, she quickly apologized. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Is that true?" Alexis asked looking back and forth between. "Is that why he stayed away? Because he was addicted to gambling?"

"Yes, although it's not as simple as that." He spent the next twenty minutes re-telling his father's story to Alexis. By the way her mother's face changed as he told it, he came to the conclusion that this was the first time she had heard much of it herself. Her features had softened, leaving her appearing more sad than angry.

"I...I didn't know," she said softly. "I always assumed that he just didn't want to give up his exciting lifestyle for a family."

"That's so sad," Alexis added, her eyes suspiciously moist.

"You're right," he agreed, "it is sad. At least the beginning is sad. But the ending doesn't have to be. He reached out to us. That had to have been hard for him." Hugging Alexis he looked over her head at Martha. "I could tell that he regrets the way his life turned out. I think if he couldn't have stayed with us, he would have."

Wiping away a stray tear, Martha excused herself and ran upstairs.

"I think it would mean a lot to him to get to know his grand-daughter. If you're interested, that is," he added teasingly, knowing she was indeed very interested.

"Do you think Gram is okay?"

"No. But I think she will be. I'm sure she just needs some time to think about what I told her."

Although it was his intent to reassure her, Alexis could hear the worry in his voice and see how he kept looking up the stairs towards Martha's room.

"Dad, go talk to her. I'll clean up here."

For perhaps the hundredth time, Castle marveled at the mature, intuitive daughter he had. As she picked up the dishes, he went upstairs to his mother's room. He knocked softly then opened the door. He found her sitting at her vanity, looking at an object in her hand. Curious, he looked over her shoulder. In the center of her palm was a $100 red chip. He had seen his mother with that chip many times over the years, but until now had no idea of it's significance.

"Your father gave this to me the first night I met him," she said, smiling softly. "He said I was his good luck charm and this was my 'commission'." She tucked the chip gently into a small box in her top drawer and turned to Castle. "Your father was the great love of my life. I had been in love before, but never like that. We knew right away that we were meant to be together. We were so sure that it would last forever." She sighed. "I never felt that was about anyone again."

"Do you regret it?"

"What? Loving your father? No. First of all," she said, as she laid her hand gently on his cheek, "then I wouldn't have you. Being your mother and Alexis' grandmother has given me more joy than I can possibly express. Secondly, I'm sure you've heard the saying 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'. I believe that's true. It didn't last forever, and as much as it hurt to lose your father, I still consider myself lucky. Not everyone gets the chance to experience a love like ours."

That last statement struck a cord in him. It made him think about his own life. He had been married twice and had had more girlfriends than he could count. Had he been in love? Absolutely. But he didn't consider any of them the love of his life. Until... an image of Kate popped into his head. _Ridiculous, _Castle thought to himself. He loved Kate, he knew that, but he certainly didn't consider her the love of his life. Did he? They had never had a real date and _if_ she had serious feelings for him, she wasn't ready to act on them. It made no sense. But there it was. Try as he might to deny it, he knew in his heart that Kate Beckett was the one. But he didn't feel lucky. He felt scared. What if he didn't even get the chance to love and lose? What if he never got a chance to love her at all?


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Jump in or let him go**

"You were right," Kate admitted as she picked absentmindedly at the stitching on the arm of the chair in her therapist's office.

"Right about what?"

"Castle. You told me that he was upset with me about walking out on him, and you were right."

He frowned at her. He flipped through his notes while thinking back to the conversation that they had had about Castle. He didn't recall telling her that Castle was upset with her, and his notes didn't reflect anything that indicated that he had. He did remember asking the question about how she thought this was going to affect their relationship. She had been sure that it wouldn't. He had his doubts, but he hadn't told her that. Apparently, she had secretly had her doubts as well? It wasn't uncommon that patients hear what they expect to hear. It didn't really matter what was said, it was more important to deal with her perception, so he didn't correct her.

"So he was upset? Did you get a chance to talk to him about it?"

"Oh yeah. We talked."

"I take it it didn't go so well?" he asked, based on her tone of voice.

"No. I tried to explain to him about why I left when I did, but it didn't matter. All that mattered to him was that he needed me to be there and I wasn't. It was awful. He brought up a lot of past issues and pretty much accused me of being selfish."

"That must have made you angry."

"It did. I walked out, furious. And hurt. But the more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that he was right. I guess I was just so intent on protecting myself from getting hurt that I pushed away the one person who was always there for me. I knew it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself." She shrugged sadly, "Castle was great. Looking back, I know that he had to have been frustrated with me, but he didn't let it show. I didn't see how much I was hurting him."

"Really? You didn't see that your actions were hurting him?"

She looked down at her hands that were now clasped in her lap. She had come here to heal and to do that she needed to be honest with herself. Did she know she was hurting him? Of course. She didn't mean to, she didn't want to. But yeah she knew.

"Not at first," she said truthfully. "When I first met Castle he seemed like an arrogant, spoiled playboy who was just interested in his next conquest. He flirted, but I didn't take it seriously. Then, just when I thought that maybe his feelings were more than that, he took off with his ex-wife for the summer." He noted how her voice grew louder and could hear the anger and hurt in her voice. Obviously that had made a significant impact on her.

"Anyway," she continued more quietly, "things changed this past year. I could that he was starting to have real feelings for me."

"And what about you? Did you start having real feelings for him?"

At this question, Kate leaned forward in her chair and rubbed her hands briskly on her thighs before standing up and going over to the window. This was where things got hard. She turned around and walked back over to the chair. "Yeah. I did. And I didn't want to."

"Why not? From everything you've told me about him, he sounds like a good guy. Got his life together. Cares about you. So what's holding you back?"

"I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about Castle," she admitted shyly. "He's smart, sweet. He makes me laugh. He's so thoughtful, you know? And I truly think he cares about me. I can see me spending the rest of my life with him."

"But?"

"But what if I let him down? What if I let us down?" she said, a slight quaver in her voice. "What if this- whatever it is, that won't let me get close to anyone- what if I can't get over it? What if I've been like this for so long that it's just who I am?"

The therapist silently slid a tissue box to the edge of his desk and she took one, using it to dab her teary eyes before continuing. "Right before I called you to start therapy again, I told him that I needed to put things to rest with my mother's case before I could have the relationship that I want. It only took me a couple of days to realize what an unrealistic goal that was. And Castle, well, he called me on it last night. He asked me what if it takes years before that happens? Or never? I can't want to wait years to move on."

"You said he called you on it, but you had already figured that out? That you couldn't wait years?"

"Yeah. I mean, of course my hope would be that there would be a break in the case and we would solve it and I could put it behind me. But that's probably not going to happen. Not any time soon. So what? I just sit and wait? I ask Castle to sit and wait? Or...?

"Or?"

She grabbed another tissue and held it tightly in her hands.

"Or what, Kate?"

"Or I do the right thing and let him go," she said as a single tear fell from each eye.

"So you've spent the, what, last month, debating this?"

She shook her head. "No. I knew I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with him, but I wasn't strong enough let him go. Not then. So I decided to give myself time. To see where this therapy got me. I decided that if in a few months I wasn't any closer to being ready, I could walk away then. Then I just put it out of my mind and didn't think about it again until Castle brought it up."

Once again, he flipped through his notes. He felt like he was missing something. Something important. As soon as he saw it, he knew what it was.

"So let's talk about when you went to see Castle. The night he called you to talk to you about his father."

She frowned, wondering why he was switching the subject.

"You said that you couldn't help him because it was too intense. That you were worried about crossing a line that you weren't ready to cross. That if you did, something would change. What do you think you meant by that?"

"I, I don't know. I guess I just felt that when you get that close to someone, it's hard to go back. Maybe he would get the wrong idea? I don't know."

"You told me that you put your pending decision out of your mind. It has been my experience that even if something is consciously out of mind, unconsciously it's still there, always influencing our thoughts and decisions."

He watched her closely as she took her time pondering that statement. He saw the minute that she 'got it.' She looked up at him, almost startled. It was like the last piece of the puzzle dropped into place and suddenly she thought she knew why she had run out on Castle that night.

"That was the line. I felt that I had to decide to jump in or let him go. If I had stayed, comforted him the way I wanted to, the way he needed me to, it would have been jumping in. Maybe not to him. Maybe he wouldn't have seen it, but to me, at that time..."

"Yes. To you, at that time, it would have been like jumping in." He knew that to others it wouldn't make sense. It was too simple of an explanation. But for her, suffering from PTSD, not just from being shot, but from her mother's shooting and the years dealing with it, it would be that simple. His strong emotions had triggered those emotions in her, making it hard to function the way an emotionally intact person might have. In her mind, she had felt that she had to make the decision right then, so she had left to avoid making it.

He glanced at the clock and reached for her file. "I think that's enough for one session, don't you?

"What? No, wait! We can't be done!"

"You really put in the work today,Kate, and I think that you've made real progress. But therapy is a process. It takes time. You know that. I think that your plan to give it a few months and see where you are makes sense. You don't have to make any decisions today."

"Yes. Yes I do. That's why I called you and asked for you to squeeze me in today. If I have learned anything this week, it's that Castle isn't going to wait forever. I need to figure this out." She knew she sounded desperate, but at this point, she didn't care.

"I'm sure if you tell him you're in therapy, working on getting better, he'll understand."

"He knows I'm in therapy. It's not enough. He doesn't trust me. Something's changed, I can feel it. He's been hurt too many times and he's ready to walk away." She had had a brief taste of what it was like to have Castle disconnected from her, and it scared her. "Please, I can't let him go!" Her voice cracked with emotion as tears sprang into her eyes once again.

He sat silently for several moments before he said, "Well, if he won't wait, and you can't let him go, I guess you're going to have to jump in."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Jump in**

Kate was a up a whole hour before her alarm was set to go off. She hadn't slept well, tossing and turning, unable to get thoughts of Castle out of her head.

She had left the therapist's office the evening before feeling a sense of accomplishment and in some small way, closure. What they had worked through made so much sense to her. Knowing why she had reacted the way she had that night at Castle's loft helped more than she had expected. But that wasn't what had her up all night. No, that was from his last statement. "I guess you're going to have to jump in." Her heart had started beating wildly at the thought and it hadn't slowed since.

After wandering around her loft, aimlessly, for several minutes she decided to indulge herself in a quick workout before getting ready for work. The physical exertion always had a calming affect on her, and often helped clear her mind of clutter so that she could think through things more easily. If ever she needed calming, it was now.

As she found her rhythm, alternating kicks and jabs at her hanging bag, she let her mind drift to her relationship with Castle. She remembered the first time she had met him. Standing in line for over an hour, waiting to get his autograph. Inching closer and closer, standing up on her toes trying to catch a glimpse of him. An avid fan, she had been more than a little star stuck when she finally came face to face with him as he sat behind the large table, smiling at her as if she were the only woman in the room, before he scrawled his name boldly on the inner cover of her book. The encounter probably lasted less than 10 seconds, but it was one she would never forget.

She would also never forget when she met him again years later as she had investigated the case she was working on because the murders mirrored those in his book. When he had turned around and his eyes met hers, she could have sworn that her heart skipped a beat. Who knew that that encounter would be the beginning of something real?

Of course, it wasn't real. Not then. The first few months that they 'worked' together meant nothing. With his background and arrogant attitude, she hadn't given any serious thought to a relationship with him. _When had it changed? _she wondered. At what point had she had gotten to know the real Castle? The man behind the clowning, immature playboy. The loyal partner, amazing father, best friend. There was no specific day, nothing special he had done. Just one minute she had turned around and there he was. Despite her fears, her walls, her defenses, he had somehow managed to find a way in and become the most important person in her life.

Even then, she had kept him at arms length, literally and figuratively. Over-reacting to every flirtatious comment, every accidental touch. And especially any conversation that might lead to a serious talk about feelings. She winced as she thought of all the times she had used anger or sarcasm as a defense mechanism, afraid to let him even think for a moment that he got to her. Anything that might upset the delicate balance that she had struggled to maintain. Afraid to get too close, but not wanting to be too far away. Until now.

She stopped, and let her hands drop to her side, her breathing heavy, heart pounding. _Now what? _How was she supposed to go from where she was yesterday to where she was today? How was she going to let Castle know that things had changed without making a complete fool out of herself? How could she trust that once she acted on her feelings she wouldn't panic and go back to her old, defensive ways?

Throwing off her gloves and stripping off her work out clothes, she went into the bathroom to get a shower. Waiting for the water to get hot, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. She gingerly touched the small scar on her chest where the sniper's bullet had left it's mark. She shivered as she imagined Castle touching it too. Gently, sadly. Maybe he would even kiss it, showing her that the small imperfection didn't change her beauty in his eyes. The very idea of his hands and mouth on her body suddenly had her tingling all over. Surprised by her intense reaction, she quickly climbed into the shower and turned the shower from hot to cold. Suddenly a cold shower seemed like a much better idea.

* * *

><p>An hour later, sitting at her desk, Kate glanced nervously at her watch for at least the twentieth time in the past half hour, waiting for Castle to get there. Looking around, to make sure no one was watching, she pulled a small mirror out of her purse to check her make-up. She shook her head slightly in frustration. Try as she might, she just hadn't been able to disguise the dark circles under her eyes.<p>

At the familiar 'ding' of the elevator, she threw her mirror back in her purse and looked up just in time to see Castle step out of the doors. Her stomach fluttered as his eyes briefly met hers before he looked away. Still upset with her, no doubt. But he still carried two cups of coffee she saw, causing her to smile. He walked over to her desk and handed her a cup. As she took it, her fingers grazed his, causing a small spark of awareness to shoot up her arm at the unintentional contact. Surprised, she abruptly pulled her hand back, the cup dropping onto the table. Castle reacted quickly, righting it before it could spill more than a drop or two. Her startled eyes met his.

"You okay?" he asked, staring at her, no doubt confused by her reaction.

"Um..yeah. I'm fine. It just slipped." Of course it hadn't just slipped. And she wasn't sure she was fine. She was little thrown off by her unusual reactions to Castle. Since when did her stomach do flip flops when she saw him, or a casual touch set her nerve endings on fire?

After looking at her for another few seconds, Castle shrugged and walked over to the murder board where Ryan and Esposito were standing, talking about their latest case. Kate took a couple of minutes to compose herself and went to join them.

After listening to Ryan sum up what they had found out so far, she moved around from where she was standing behind the table to add her own notes to the board. When she was done, she moved back, leaning against the table next to Castle. _He smells good, _she thought to herself. _Really good. I wonder what that is? _She looked over at him. _I don't remember smelling it before. I-_

"Beckett. Hey, Beckett!"

She snapped her head up in response to Ryan calling her name loudly. "What?"

"If you're done checking out Castle, maybe we can get back to solving the case?" Ryan asked laughing.

Feeling her face flush slightly, embarrassed at getting caught staring, she turned and glared at Ryan. He cleared his throat nervously and quickly turned back to the board. She glanced at Castle expecting him to be amused, maybe shoot her a teasing remark, but instead he was just looking at her, frowning, reminding her yet again how things stood between them.

Suddenly she couldn't take it anymore. "Jump in," she whispered under her breath before she went over and grabbed him by the arm.

"Castle, I need to talk to you." He looked down at her hand on his arm. Clearly surprised at the gesture, paired with the urgency in her voice, he never thought twice about going with her.

Looking around for somewhere private to take him, she finally settled on the interrogation room. They walked in and she shut the door behind them, then turned off the microphone and pulled the curtain over the two way mirror before sitting down. He sat down across from her, curious.

Now that she had him here, she was unsure how to proceed. Finally she decided to go with the truth.

"I'm sorry I took off again," she said. He shook his head and immediately started to stand up, obviously hearing that one too many times. She grabbed his hand.

"Just hear me out, Castle. Please." He reluctantly sat down and began to pull his hand away, but she surprised them both by holding onto it tightly.

"Listen," she said quietly. "I've been thinking about what you said the other night. About how long I'm willing to wait. And you're right. What if my mother's case isn't solved for years? Or never? I know it's not fair to make you wait anymore."

She felt his hand tense in hers as his jaw tightened and he looked away from her.

"Castle?"

He pulled his hand away from hers. "So, that's why you dragged me in here? To tell me that I don't have to wait for you anymore?"

"No, I-"

He stood up and started pacing. "So what does that mean? You're giving me permission to go look elsewhere? We're going to be what? Friends?" He spit the word out of his mouth, sounding bitter and angry. Hurt.

"Castle!" she finally yelled when he wouldn't stop.

"What!" he yelled back.

"I'm telling you that you don't have to wait anymore. _We_ don't have to wait anymore."

That stopped him dead in his tracks. She could see him processing what she had said.

"We?" he finally asked, sitting back down. "Why?**"**

"Why? What do you mean?"

"I mean why? Why now?"

"Because we can't go on the way we are. I don't want to lose you."

He sat quietly at the table, apparently thinking about what she had said. After several minutes, he shook his head sadly. "It won't work Kate."

Her mouth dropped open. "What? Why not? Isn't this what you want?" _Was it too late after all? Had she waited too long? Please, no!_

"Of course it's what I want. It's what I've wanted for a long time. But not like this. You can't make a decision like this to keep from losing me. It won't work if you don't want this as much as I do."

Relieved, she smiled and grabbed his hand again. "I do want this, Castle. It's never been about me not wanting this. It's always been about me being afraid to take it."

He leaned back in his chair, her hand slipping once again out of his, silently watching her. She knew that he didn't trust it. Didn't trust her. She couldn't say that she blamed him under the circumstances.

He crossed his arms in front of him and in a challenging tone said, "Okay, if you're serious about this, go out with me. Tomorrow night."

She didn't hesitate. "Okay. Tomorrow night."

He leaned forward. "Really?"

She couldn't help but laugh at his incredulous tone. "Yes, Castle. Really. You and me. On a date. Tomorrow night."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**First Date**

Releasing a slow, deep breath, Kate took one last look in the mirror before she went out into the living room to wait for Castle. Not knowing where he was taking her, she had finally settled on a pair of jeans, and an emerald green peasant blouse. And of course, a pair of killer heels. She always felt just a little more in control when she had the height advantage heels gave her, and right now she really needed it.

She had tried to tell herself that tonight was no big deal. After all, she had eaten with Castle more times than she could count. They had danced together; been to the movies together. Almost died together on more than one occasion. The only thing different about tonight was the word 'date'. Right?

Of course it would be easier to believe that if she hadn't spent the past two days on sensory overload. Every smile left her catching her breath. Every casual touch sent shock waves through her body. Every moment that she wasn't occupied with the case, she found herself watching him. The whole situation was a bit unnerving.

The only logical explanation she could come up with was that until two days ago she hadn't let herself think too much about her future. Although she had known that there was a good chance that she would have a relationship with Castle, it was always in the terms of some time down the road. Maybe. Some day. But not today. Not yet. She had therefore kept her feelings tucked safely away, refusing to let herself feel too much. More importantly, Castle had taken her lead and done the same.

But now...now the rules had changed. Just knowing that made all the difference. Now a look or a unintentional grazing of fingers could lead to more. No, not could, she amended, her heart beating a little faster. Would. Soon there _would_ be hand holding, kissing, touching...

* * *

><p>Castle slowly walked up to her door, a single rose in his hand. He hadn't intended to get flowers. He wasn't convinced that she had changed. Not that much. Not over night. In fact, he had once again withheld information from his family, not mentioning this 'date' with Kate. Then if it turned out to be nothing, he wouldn't have to explain it and see that look on their faces.<p>

Instead, he decided to go into this with no expectations. Just a good time with a good friend. Then if she realized that she wasn't ready for this after all, his heart would be safe. But then he had driven by a flower stand and that small part of him that refused to cooperate with his 'no expectations' plan had him pulling over. He decided against a large bouquet and had settled on the single rose.

He knocked softly, then stood back. waiting. She opened the door almost immediately. He let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had changed her mind.

He stepped in and awkwardly handed her the rose. She took it and held it to her nose, with her eyes closed, breathing in deeply. The look in her eyes when she finally opened them made him grateful that he had decided to stop at the flower stand. He could see the smile in them before it made it's way to her mouth.

"Thanks Castle. It's beautiful," she said quietly, almost shyly. "Let me go find something to put it in."

She returned a minute later. "I wasn't sure where we were going.. I hope this is okay," she said referring to her outfit.

He had been so lost in her eyes, he hadn't even noticed what she was wearing. He smiled as he looked down, noticing her obscenely high heels. The smile faded as his eyes slowly traveled upward, appreciating the dark denim that hugged her long legs. The shirt she had chosen was loose and feminine, with a small tie around her waist that seemed to exist only to tempt him to untie it. He felt his mouth go dry at the thought and he quickly lifted his eyes back to hers.

He was surprised to see the nervous question in them. He couldn't help but smile. Didn't she know that he would think she was beautiful if she were wearing a burlap bag?

"You look perfect," he answered honestly and was rewarded by a shy smile.

"Let me just grab my jacket," she said as she walked over and pulled her red pea coat out of the closet. He took it from her and held it up for her to put on. He felt her shiver as the tips of his fingers came into contact with the back of her neck and in turn, felt a answering sense of awareness tingle up his arm. He quickly stepped away.

Frowning, he held the door open for her. They hadn't even left yet and his 'no expectation' rule was proving to be easier said then done. Obviously it was going to be harder than he thought to keep his guard up.

"So, do I get to know where we're going?" she asked after they settled into his car and pulled away from the curb.

"How about the 'Blue Note' ?" The 'Blue Note' was a world famous Jazz Club. He had been there several times and it was one of his favorite places. He chose it because of it's great atmosphere and food. Suddenly though, his choice seemed a bit short-sighted. He didn't even know if Kate liked jazz.

"Really?" she asked, sounding excited.

"If that's okay. I mean, we can go somewhere else if you want to."

"Are you kidding! Castle, how did you know I loved jazz? I've always wanted to go to the 'Blue Note'".

He smiled, relieved. "Okay, 'Blue Note' it is."

Thirty minutes later, after circling the block twice searching for a parking space, he looked at her apologetically. "Do you mind walking?"

"Of course not."

"Are you sure. I can drop you off and-"

"Castle, it's fine. Let's walk."

Satisfied that she meant what she said, he drove a couple of blocks and parked. He helped her out and they headed towards the music that they could already hear drifting down the sidewalk.

As she had the night that they had had dinner with Alec, her eye's were drawn to the other couples as they walked along. She couldn't help but wonder when she would feel comfortable enough to reach out and touch him while they walked.

When they got to the club, she was shocked by how crowded it was. Judging by the row of people leaning against the wall in the back, it was standing room only. She didn't care. She was just thrilled to be there. She was surprised when Castle put his hand on her lower back and started to lead her through the crowd towards the front of the room. In the front row, there was one empty table. It had a small 'reserved' sign in the middle of it.

"Castle? How did you get a table on such short notice?"

He shrugged, smiling. "I know people."

The waiter appeared almost as soon as they sat down and took their drink order and dropping off the menus. By the time he returned with their drinks, they were ready to order. Despite the elaborate menu choices, she ordered a cheeseburger at Castle's recommendation.

"This place is great!" Kate said as she looked around. "For some reason I'm surprised that you like jazz."

"It surprised me too. About ten years ago I was writing a book and one of the main characters was a jazz musician. I found this place doing research. After one night I was hooked."

Within minutes, the band took the stage. Kate's mouth dropped open. "I don't believe it!" she whispered loudly. "That's Chris Botti!"

He nodded, impressed that she recognized him. Before they could talk anymore, the music started and the soulful sounds of the trumpet filled the room.

Near the end of the set, he made the mistake of looking over at Kate. Although it was dark in the room, the lights from the stage danced over her delicate features. Listening with her eyes closed, she let her body sway gently to the music. Enthralled, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He was still staring when the song ended and she opened her eyes.

"Something wrong?" she asked, when she noticed him looking at her.

"What? No. Nothing's wrong." _I just couldn't help noticing how sexy you are when you let yourself let go and enjoy the music, _he thought to himself, wondering how she would react if he said it out loud. He was enjoying himself too much to find out.

Suddenly a waiter appeared by their table with two desserts. "Tiramisu with Grand Marnier for the lady, and for you Mr. Castle, the Chocolate and Vanilla Tartufo with raspberry sauce. Compliments of the Chef."

Castle smiled. "Please tell Chef Pilet that I gratefully accept."

"You're gonna love this. Chef Pilet makes the best desserts." He watched expectantly as she took her first bite.

"Oh my... Castle this is to die for."

He grinned. "I know right." He took a bite of his own dessert and groaned. "You've got to try this. It's incredible." He scooped up a spoonful of the creamy Italian ice cream, dredged it through the raspberry sauce and held it up for her to try. Without thinking, she opened her mouth and accepted the frozen dessert. As her lips closed over the spoon, their eyes met and the innocent act of sharing a dessert suddenly became incredibly intimate.

Swallowing hard, Castle quickly put his arm down and forced himself to look away. He had seen the brief flash of panic in her eyes, and was worried how she would react if even half of what he was feeling was reflected in his. He was relieved when the lights suddenly dimmed, signaling that the the next set was about to begin.

An hour later, the show was over. After waiting several minutes for the crowd to disperse, they finally made it to the doors, and out into the night air. Castle smiled as Kate chatted excitedly about the band the entire time that they made the short walk to the car and most of the drive home. As they got nearer to her place though, she suddenly grew quiet and they drove the rest of the way in silence.

He knew why. The date was almost over. He would soon be walking her to the door and he was sure that she was thinking about the possibility of a good night kiss. Although disappointed, he reluctantly decided to wait on the kiss. He had had a small taste of what it would be like to date Kate and he wasn't about to ruin it by moving too fast.

As they pulled up to her loft, Kate waited for Castle to walk around and open her car door. She was a jumble of nerves as they walked slowly to the door. She unlocked it and walked inside, Castle following her.

"I had a really great time tonight Castle," she said.

He smiled. "Me too." He leaned over and kissed her gently on the cheek. "See you tomorrow."

He turned to leave, but she put her hand on his arm, stopping him. "Castle, wait."

"Thank you," she said quietly when he turned back towards her.

"For what?"

"For not pushing. Not just tonight. But..." her voice broke as she looked away.

He knew what she meant. He smiled. "You're welcome." As soon as the words left his mouth, she surprised him by enveloping him in a tight hug. He turned his head and placed a soft kiss on her temple, through her hair. She responded by kissing him on the cheek. He pulled away, just a little, and kissed the corner of her mouth. She looked at him, startled. He knew that if he kissed her now, she wouldn't push him away. But that wasn't enough. He held his breath, his eyes locked on hers, as he waited to see what she would do. As if in slow motion, she leaned closer and let her lips lightly graze his before pulling back. He shook his head and whispered, "Not enough." She smiled that shy smile that threatened to drive him crazy and leaned in again. This time she let her lips linger on his as she kissed him gently before pulling away completely.

"Good night Castle."

He reached up and gently tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "Night Kate."

After he left, Kate stood looking at the closed door for a full minute before turning away. As she did, her eyes landed on the single rose sitting in the small vase on her counter. She walked over and took the flower out of the vase and carried it into the bedroom, laying it on her pillow while she got ready for bed. Then she reached over and grabbed the book off the small table by her bed. She opened it and gently traced the words "Richard Castle" that were handwritten on the inside cover before placing the flower inside and closing the book. Setting it back on the table, she slipped under the covers and went to sleep, a small smile on her face.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**The Next Day**

Kate was surprised to see Castle already at the 12th when she walked in the next morning. She hung up her coat, sat down at her desk, turned on her computer and then just sat and watched him as he stood by the board with Ryan and Esposito. She smiled to herself as she heard his laughter from across the room, no doubt telling the guys some corny joke or wild tale.

After several minutes, she pulled the file for the case they were working on and walked over to join them. As soon as she reached them, Castle turned to grab her daily coffee off of the table behind him. It was such a small gesture, but it's sweet familiarity meant more to her than he could possibly ever know. She deliberately let her fingers linger on his as he handed her the cup. "Morning, Castle," she said, smiling into his eyes.

He responded with a quick, "Hey Beckett," then immediately began updating her on the case. "Check this out! Esposito just got a call. Apparently, Davis, the ex-boyfriend, was seen leaving Teresa's apartment last Tuesday."

"The night she was killed," she commented, studying the board. She frowned. "But he told us he hadn't seen her in months. Ryan, why don't you pull his financials, see if you see anything unusual going on in the last six months, and Esposito, find me everything else you can find on this guy."

They both quickly went to their prospective desks to work on their assigned tasks. Castle stayed standing in front of the board, leaning back casually against the table behind him. Kate did the same, making sure to lean close enough that their shoulders brushed, sending a delicious little tingle down her spine. She was surprised when a second later, he pushed away from the table, closer to the board.

"Something doesn't make sense," Castle said, referring to the case.

She was thinking the same thing, but referring to Castle. She didn't know what to expect from him today, but she knew that this friendly, but indifferent attitude wasn't it. The underlying anger and tension that he had exhibited last week were gone, but there was nothing in his actions to indicate that last night's date had meant anything to him. No lingering looks, no suggestive smile. Nothing. Telling herself that she was probably over-reacting, she tried to put it out of her mind and focus on the case. But as the morning wore on, and the pattern continued, she couldn't help but worry that something was wrong.

After she had gone to sit at her desk for an hour, and he never came over once, she knew that she needed to say something. She saw her chance when she noticed him sitting alone in the break room a while later reading the newspaper.

She knocked on the open door as she walked in to alert him to her presence. He lowered the newspaper and smiled before his face disappeared behind the paper again.

"Can I sit down?"

"Sure," he said, turning the page.

"Everything okay?"

When all she got was a distracted "uh, huh" from him, she reached over and grabbed the paper out of his hands.

"Hey!" he yelled.

"Alright, Castle, what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Did I do something to upset you?"

"What? No, of course not. Why?" he asked seeming genuinely puzzled.

She shrugged. "I don't know. You're acting strange. You know, stranger than normal," she couldn't resist adding with a small smile. The smile quickly faded. "It's almost like you're avoiding me."

He sat and looked at her. Biting her lower lip, she looked very unsure of herself. She was right. He had been avoiding her. He looked around to make sure no one was nearby, then he reached over and took her hand. "Hey, you didn't do anything wrong. I just figured that you would be uncomfortable if people knew about us before you were ready to tell them. So I've tried to be careful not to give anything away."

What he told her was true. But it wasn't the only truth. He couldn't help but wonder what her reaction would be if he told her what he was really thinking. That ever since their date last night, he couldn't get her out of his mind. That she was the last thing he thought about when he went to sleep and the first thing he thought about when he woke up. That when she did things like let her fingers slide over his or lean against him he just wanted to grab her and pull her into the nearest storage closet. That he couldn't even look at her without staring at her mouth, remembering her soft, tentative kiss that had left him aching for more. Avoiding her was the only way to be sure he kept his hands to himself.

He could see the relief her eyes as she squeezed his hand. "That's really sweet, Castle. And you're right. I do think it's best if we keep this between us for now."

He frowned at the reminder that all of this was still very new. A great first date and good night kiss didn't make a relationship. He still had no idea how deep into this she was ready to go. "In case it doesn't work out?" he couldn't help but ask.

Suddenly Castle let go of her hand, looking over her shoulder. "Looks like the guys have some information." He got up and headed for the door. "We'll talk about this later, okay?" he added as he walked out.

"Hey Castle, what was that all about," Esposito asked when he walked over.

"What?"

"You and Beckett. You seemed awfully hush hush over there. Something you want to tell us?"

"Nope," he lied. "Just discussing the case."

"Really? What part?" Ryan asked, sounding skeptical.

Just as Ryan asked the question, Kate walked up. "Something wrong?"

"Nope," Castle replied quickly. "I was just telling the guys here that we were over there discussing the case."

"But I think it's more than that," Esposito said, staring at Castle. "I think you're hiding something."

Taking a deep breath, she blurted out "Castle and I are dating."

They all three turned to look at her.

Esposito snorted. "Hey, if you don't want to tell us what you were talking about, just say so. But don't go making up stories."

If she wasn't so freaked out by her spontaneous admission, she would have laughed. Castle was staring at her with his mouth hanging open and Ryan and Esposito went from looking at her, to looking at Castle, to looking at each other before turning back to her.

Finally a slow smile crossed Eposito's face. "Really? You're serious? You two finally gave in, huh?" He looked at Ryan and raised his eyebrows.

Rolling his eyes, Ryan grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket and pulled out a twenty, handing it to Esposito.

She narrowed her eyes. "What's that? Were you betting on us?" she asked incredulously.

They ignored her, pulling out a piece of paper and going over a list of names. Apparently they weren't the only ones in on the bet.

While they were going over their numbers, Castle was sitting, still staring at Kate, shocked that she had told the guys about their dating status. Suddenly he leaned over. "So, does this mean you'll go to Ryan and Jenny's wedding with me?"

_What! The wedding. How had she forgotten the wedding!_ She didn't know what to say. Weddings were... well, weddings. Wedding dates were a big deal. But she had just admitted that she and Castle were dating. They were both going to the same wedding. There was no way she could avoid going with him, even if she wanted to. "Sure," she said, hoping she sounded calmer than she felt. "Why not."

In order to cover up her unease at all that had just happened, Kate quickly re-focused on the case. "Okay guys. I think we need to talk to this Davis guy. Why don't you two go round him up."

Ryan and Esposito walked away. But before they could get to the elevator, Ryan grabbed Esposito's arm, stopping him.

"Oh no. No,no,no!"

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Castle is bringing Beckett to my wedding!"

"So?"

"So! So that throws off our numbers! The RSVP's are in. The dinners are ordered. People can't just go around changing dates at the last minute!"

"Bro, you seriously have _got_ to calm down," he said, putting a hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Okay, listen. Kate RSVP'd, right?"

"Yeah."

"And did she say she was bringing a date?"

"No."

"And Castle?"

"Yeah. RSVP'd, no date."

"Okay, there ya go. Castle- party of one. Beckett- party of one. Now it's Castle and Beckett, party of two. Numbers stay the same. Problem solved. Heck you probably won't even have to change your seating chart thing. My guess is Jenny had Castle and Beckett sitting together anyway."

Looking relieved, Ryan smiled. "Okay,Yeah. You're right." Esposito rolled his eyes as Ryan started walking towards the elevator again.

"Uh, Ryan?" Esposito asked as the doors opened and they stepped in. "About that seating chart thing...I was just wondering..."

"Don't worry. Against my better judgment, Jenny put you next to Lanie."

Esposito grinned as the doors slid shut. He couldn't wait for next weekend. This was going to be some wedding!


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**The Wedding**

"Wow, looking good Dad!"

"Thank you," Castle said with a smile.

"She's right. You do look handsome, Richard," Martha added while straightening his tie. She looked at him closely. "Is there something you're not telling us? You look...happy."

He laughed. "Since when does being happy mean I'm hiding something?"

Alexis got up and moved closer. "Come on, Dad. Gram and I have both noticed. You've been different the past few days. So spill."

Suddenly Martha smiled widely. "You met someone didn't you?"

"Someone you're taking to the wedding!" Alexis jumped in.

"Actually, I'm taking Kate to the wedding."

"Oh," Martha said, her smiling fading.

"I'm taking Kate as my date."

"Yes, I heard you."

"I'm taking her as a date, date," he said, looking at them each in turn waiting for them to catch his meaning.

Alexis looked confused. "You're taking Kate as your date to Detective Ryan's wedding? As a real date? Does she know it's a real date?"

"Of course."

Shaking her head, Martha said, "I'm confused. Did something happen that I don't know about? Since when are you and Kate on dating terms?"

"It happened kind of fast. We went out on our first date last week."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Alexis added, sounding and looking hurt.

"I don't know. I guess I wanted to see where it led before I told you." He shrugged, trying to appear casual as he said, "It's no big deal."

"Of course it's a big deal, Richard! This is _Kate_ we're talking about. I know how much this means to you."

He saw the worry on her face. He knew that, like him, she worried that things with Kate would fall apart. He forced the troubling thought out of his head. For tonight he was going to put all of his concerns away and just concentrate on having fun. His good friend was marrying a great girl, he was going to be celebrating with his friends from the 12th and he was going to have Kate on his arm. What else could he possibly want?

* * *

><p>Kate was nervously pacing while she waited for Castle to pick her up. Not for the first time, she found herself questioning her decision to tell Ryan and Esposito that she and Castle were dating. But she had seen the look in Castle's eyes when he said "in case it doesn't work out?" It hurt to see that wary look, knowing that her past actions had led him to mistrust her. Wanting to begin rebuilding that trust, she had made the impulsive decision to share the news. In the short term, it had worked out great. She could tell that it had made Castle happy. And after a bit of good natured teasing from a few of the officers, mostly Ryan and Esposito, things had been pretty much normal at the station. She had worked hard to keep their relationship low-key. Knowing Gates wouldn't approve, there was no overt physical gestures that might get them in trouble. Plus with a murder case to solve and the big wedding as the main topic of conversation, no one paid much attention to them. But she was worried that all of that was about to change. They were going to the wedding as a couple. A wedding attended by most of the people they worked with on a day to day basis.<p>

She jumped when the knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts. Opening the door, she smiled as she found him standing there with not one, but two red roses. The second rose reminded her that this was technically their second date. She remembered how the first one had ended and suddenly the anticipation of spending the evening with Castle crowded out all of her concerns.

His eyes roamed slowly down her body and back up before locking on hers. "You look stunning."

"Thanks." Reaching for the flowers she said, "Let me just put these in water and I'm ready to go."

When she returned, he grabbed her coat. He held it while she put it on, smiling when once again he felt her shiver as his fingers grazed the back of her neck. This time he let his hands remain, softly caressing, before turning her around and surprising her with a sweet, lingering kiss that left them both breathless. With a satisfied smile, Castle led her out of the apartment and down to the street where their cab was waiting.

"What's with the cab?" she asked after he slid in beside her.

"I decided not to drive. I expect the alcohol will be freely flowing at the reception. Don't want to get caught drinking and driving, you know. Especially since I'm dating a cop," he added winking.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you cried," Castle said, gently teasing her as they walked into the reception hall hours later.<p>

"It was so beautiful," she sighed, threatening to tear up again as she thought about it. "Her dress was perfect. The flowers were perfect. It was just..."

"Perfect?"

She gently elbowed him in the side. "Knock it off, Castle," she said laughing as they walked over to the table where Lanie and Esposito were already seated. Lanie immediately stood up and hugged Kate.

"Do you believe that wedding! It was perfect!"

"I know!" Kate replied as they both wiped at their eyes.

"Oh Brother," Espostio said, rolling his eyes at Castle, earning him twin glares from both Kate and Lanie.

"Why don't you make yourself useful and go get us some drinks," Lanie said with a slightly sarcastic tone.

"Come on, I'll go with you," Castle said, when he saw the irritated look cross Esposito's face.

"So you're here with Castle?" Lanie asked as soon as the guys were gone. "And just when did you think you were going to get around to telling me?"

"I'm sorry, Lanie," she apologized, seeing the hurt in her friends eyes. "It just kind of happened. I wasn't trying to hide it, I just wasn't... advertising it. What about you? Are you here with Esposito?"

"No! We just ended up at the same table. Believe me, if I had my choice, I'd be way over there on the other side of the room."

Kate smiled. "Really? Now why don't I believe you?"

Before she could answer, the guys returned with drinks. Beer for the them and some red, fruity cocktails for Lanie and Kate. They were soon joined by a few other members of the precinct, and were enjoying the rare opportunity to socialize outside of work when the place erupted in cheers as Kevin and his new bride walked in the door.

Any residual concerns Kate had evaporated as the evening wore on. She found herself having a great time as she shared dinner, drinks and light conversation with the group at her table. Even Lanie and Esposito seemed to be getting along. She laughed so hard that her ribs hurt when Ryan, Esposito and Castle took the floor with several other guests to do the "Chicken Dance".

Castle had just collapsed into the chair beside her when the DJ announced the next song. "Ooooh, The Hokey Pokey!" Castle said excitedly. "Come on, Kate."

She looked at him seriously. "Sorry Castle, you're on your own. I'm not doing the Hokey Pokey."

He looked at her with an exaggerated pout on his face. "Please."

She couldn't help but laugh. She turned and gulped down her drink before offering him her hand. Grinning, he grabbed it and pulled her to her feet.

"What a minute!" Balancing herself with one hand on his shoulder, she kicked off her shoes, pushing them under the table with her bare feet. She shrugged at his amused look. "Can't Hokey Pokey in heels," she said as he led her out to the dance floor.

It took all of thirty seconds for her to figure out that she liked doing the Hokey Pokey. Or maybe she just liked seeing Castle having a great time. She hadn't realized just how long it had been since she had seen this fun, child-like side of Castle. She was surprised that she was actually disappointed when the song came to an end.

As soon as the Hokey Pokey ended, the next song started. This time it was slow one. Kate was already walking back to the table when he caught up to her and grabbed her, letting his hand slide slowly down her bare arm until they were holding hands.

"Dance with me?" He saw the briefest of hesitation in her eyes before she gave a small nod and walked with him to the middle of the dance floor.

She let her hands rest on his shoulders as his hand settled gently on her waist. He looked down into her eyes and smiled.

"Having a good time?" he asked as they gently swayed to the music.

"I'm having a great time. You?"

"Yeah, I am," he mumbled, pulling her closer. Without her shoes, she fit just perfectly in his arms, her head resting gently on his shoulder. Half afraid she would pull away, he let go of her waist and let his hands tangle themselves in her hair.

After a minute, he slid one hand under her hair to gently caress the back of her neck before letting his fingertips slowly travel down the bare skin of her back. He felt a wave of sheer pleasure roll over him as she trembled under his touch.

"Castle," she whispered. Protest or invitation, he couldn't tell, but feeling her breath, warm against his neck, had him in knots. "Kate," he whispered in return and by the way her hands tightened on his shoulders, he could tell that it had the same affect on her. Feeling bold, he pulled her hair back and planted a soft kiss behind her ear, then another on the smooth skin where her neck met her shoulder. He pulled back briefly, intending to kiss her mouth when the lights suddenly brightened, the song over. He held her for just a moment longer, not wanting to let go, before he reluctantly led her back to the table.

Although he enjoyed the rest of the night, he was more than ready to leave when the reception was over. As they walked to the door, he realized that he had made the right decision to take a cab. He wasn't exactly drunk, but the couple of beers that he had on top of the champagne toasts and wine with dinner had certainly had an effect. He smiled as he looked at Kate. By the rosy glow in her cheeks and the way she was clinging to his arm for balance, he knew that she was in the same boat.

Thirty minutes later, they pulled up in front of Kate's place. After paying the driver, he walked around and helped her out of the car. The anticipation of having Kate in his arms again had him snatching the keys out of her hands in order to get the door open faster. They went in and the door had barely shut behind him when he pushed her against it, pinning her there with his body. She looked at him, startled. He searched her eyes, ready to stop if she gave even the slightest indication that she wanted him to. Slowly he leaned forward and dropped the softest of kisses on the side of her neck. He smiled when he felt her pulse beating wildly under his mouth. He planted a trail of soft kisses across her jaw until he finally reached her mouth. Burying his hands in her hair, he kissed her. First softly, exploring the unique taste and feel of her mouth. Then he deepened the kiss, his tongue gently gliding across her lips, begging for access, which was quickly granted.

After several minutes, kissing wasn't enough. Castle walked over and sat down on the couch. She stood by the door for just a second before she too walked over and sat down next to him. She leaned over to take off her shoes. She fumbled with the buckle for several seconds before she started giggling. "I can't get my shoes off, Castle."

He smiled at her giggle, but the smile quickly faded as he realized just what that giggle meant. Kate didn't giggle. Not a sober Kate anyway. He may have had too much to drink, but not so much that he didn't know that what they were about to do was wrong. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, trying to process this abrupt change in plans. As much as he wanted to be with her-really, really wanted to be with her, he knew he couldn't. Not like this. Not only because she might regret it in the morning, which was a very real possibility. But also because he wanted the first time they made love to be perfect. To be because they both want it. Not as a product of lust and too much to drink.

Sighing in resignation, he stood up and held out his hand. "Come one, let's get you to bed." He led her to the bedroom, but stopped at the door. "Night Kate."

She looked at him, confused. "You're leaving? I don't understand. I thought..."

"Look, we've both had a little too much to drink. It's best if I just go home."

"I'm not drunk, Castle," she said, the slight slurring of her words telling a different story. When she went to lean against the doorjamb, she missed, almost falling. He caught her, trying not to smile. She was worse than he thought. Shaking his head, he walked her into her room and sat her on the bed. He leaned over to take her shoes off. He couldn't help but laugh when her shoes slipped right off, the buckles just for show. He saw a t-shirt hanging on the back of her door. Grabbing it, he turned to throw it to her. When he did, it was just in time to see her step out of her dress. She stood there, in her bra and panties, smiling at him. He didn't know if she was doing it to tease him, or if she was just too drunk to care. Either way, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. She was breathtaking and it took everything he had not to take what she was obviously offering.

He slowly walked over handed her the t-shirt. As she slipped it over her head, he couldn't help but notice the scar on her side where the surgeon had to cut her to save her life. It brought back memories of that horrible time, where he thought he was going to lose her.

It made him feel that much more protective of her. That's why when she grabbed his arm as he started to leave, asking him to stay, he was too weak to say no. Selfishly, he needed to be with her, even if it was only to hold her while she slept. He sat down on the side of her bed, emptying his pockets. It was then that he noticed the book on the small table by her bed. It was one of his. He smiled at the thought of her having his book by her bed. He opened it and was surprised when the flower fell out. He picked it up, realizing immediately that it was the flower he had brought her on their first date. He couldn't believe she had kept it. As he replaced the flower, he was shocked to see his signature on the inside cover. How did she get a signed copy of his book? He turned to ask her, but didn't get the chance. She was sound asleep.

Turning off the light, he slipped out of his clothes and climbed under the covers. He scooted next to her and pulled her to him. She came willingly, laying her head on his shoulder, her hand resting on his bare chest. "Night, Castle," she whispered in the dark.

He laid awake for what seemed like hours, just savoring the feel of her in his arms. Listening to her breathe, feeling every breath on the side of his face. The incredible sensation of her soft hair spread out on his chest. He thought of the signed book next to her bed, with his flower pressed inside and felt suspiciously close to tears. He knew that in the morning everything might change. But for now, he pretended that she was his.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**The Morning After**

Kate didn't want to wake up. She had been dreaming that she was curled up in bed with Castle. It wasn't the first time she had had the dream, but it was the first time that it had been so vivid, so real. The feel of his heartbeat under her hand, his shoulder acting as a pillow for her head, the slight weight of his hand resting possessively on the bare skin of her lower back. Even the lingering scent of his cologne, a smell she had gotten to know as he had held her close as they danced at Kevin and Jenny's wedding last night.

She stubbornly kept her eyes tightly closed, willing herself back to sleep. Her internal clock said that morning was still at least an hour away. Feeling fuzzy and a little light headed, she was reminded that she had indulged just a bit too much at the reception. She let her mind wander, allowing the details of the previous night to come to her. The dancing, the toasts, laughing, Castle helping her into the cab...

Deep frown lines formed between her eyes as she fought to remember the details of what happened after that. She felt her heart skip a beat as she remembered how he had pinned her against the door, kissing her deeply, how she had followed him to the couch, how...

Her eyes shot open, suddenly fully awake, as the final memories slid into place and with it the shocking realization that she hadn't been dreaming. She actually was curled up in Castle's arms. Her bare legs mingling with his, his hand on her naked back where her t-shirt had ridden up as she slept. Her head nestled on his shoulder, tucked under his chin.

Lifting her head, she could just make out his sleeping features in the semi-darkness. Very slowly, in an effort to get out of the bed without waking him, she slid out from under his arm and rolled over so that she was facing away from him. She froze when just as she started to scoot towards the edge of the bed, he flung his arm around her middle and pulled her to him. Turning her head, she peeked over her shoulder and was relieved to see that his eyes were still closed, his actions apparently done unconsciously as he slept. She debated what to do. Try again to sneak away and risk waking him? Or stay where she was and hope that he moved again in his sleep, releasing her? She decided on the later. She was so tired, most likely still feeling the effects of the alcohol in her system, and, well, it just felt good, laying in his arms. She could always sneak away when it was closer to morning, she told herself. But until then, what harm could there be in enjoying this moment before the harsh reality came crashing back in and she had to deal with what this night meant? _Just for a little while, _she thought drowsily as she snuggled back against his warm body and closed her eyes.

* * *

><p>Had she not been facing the other way, she would have seen the smile that appeared on Castle's face in the dark as he felt her body finally relax against his. Wide awake from the minute she had started moving around, Castle had feigned sleep, unsure of how she was going to react to waking up in bed with him. Her attempt to sneak away told him what he needed to know.<p>

Although it was still dark, he knew he would not able to go back to sleep. Not knowing when he would be invited back into her bed, he stayed there as long as he dared just holding her as the light of dawn slowly illuminated the room. He wanted badly to lean over and kiss her awake, but knew by her earlier escape attempt that it wouldn't be welcome. In the end, he couldn't resist kissing her lightly while she slept before leaving her side and quietly leaving the room stopping only to grab his shirt and pants.

After getting dressed, he searched around the kitchen for something to make for breakfast. She didn't have much, which was probably just as well. His stomach felt a bit queasy from drinking the night before, and he expected hers would feel even worse.

While he waited for her to wake up, he couldn't help but be worried about what she was going to say when she came out. Would she be embarrassed? Upset? Both? Or maybe, he thought after thirty more minutes passed, she just wouldn't come out at all. Maybe she would just lie in bed, pretending to sleep, until he finally gave up and went home. _Surely she knows me better than that, _he thought to himself smiling.

Almost as if she had read his mind, he soon heard the door open and he looked up just she came walking out. She had put on a pair of sweat pants, but other than that, she was just as she was when he left her. He took that as a good sign. He had half way expected her to come out fully dressed, including heels, since he knew she often used her wardrobe to hide behind. But here she was, barefoot, hair still loose around her shoulders, and the only make-up he could detect was what was left from the night before.

He put the bread in the toaster and poured her some coffee. He slid the coffee cup across the counter to her as she sat down. "Good morning. I didn't know if you'd feel up to a big breakfast so I'm making toast. Is that okay?"

She put head in her hands. "Sure."

Assuming that her action indicated a head ache, he handed her a couple of pain pills that he had come across in her cupboard while searching for food. She smiled. "Thanks, Castle."

"Um, about last night. I just want you to know, nothing happened. You asked me to stay, so-"

"I know. I admit I had a little too much to drink-"

"A little?" he laughed.

"Okay, more than a little, but I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember what happened. Thank you by the way. For not, you know..."

"Taking advantage of the situation?"

He grinned at the sudden burst of color in her cheeks as she mumbled, "Yeah."

He turned when he heard the toast pop up. After spreading a little butter on it, he passed it to her. "So I thought maybe we could swing by my place so I could change and then maybe see a movie or something.

She put her toast back on the plate, frowning at him. "I don't think so. Look, Castle, don't take this the wrong way, but I think I just need some time by myself. I'll call you tomorrow. Or I'll see you Monday, okay?"

"You know, that sounds an awful lot like what you said when I came to see you in the hospital. And then I didn't hear from you for three months!"

"Come on, Castle. Didn't we already talk about this?"

"Yes we did. But I thought things had changed." He remembered the last time he had tried to talk to her, in this very room, when she had asked them 'what they were'. It had ended with her kicking him out. The thought was almost enough to make him back off and just give her the time she asked for. But then he thought of last night. Of the feeling he had when he woke up with her sleeping in his arms. Of what they stood to lose if he couldn't get her to finally face her fears and open up to him. He needed to know what they were.

"Kate, you're still running. Don't you see that?"

"It's just... I don't know. Everything's happening so fast."

"Fast?" Maybe for her, but he'd been waiting for this for two years. Feeling frustrated, he pushed away from the counter. "You said you were ready. If you weren't ready, it would have been better to just say so and let me go."

And there it was. Once again, he recognized the look that said he had gone too far, pushed too hard. He knew he should have expected it, but for some reason he was still surprised when she abruptly stood up and told him bluntly that she was going to go and get a shower. He watched as she turned on her heel and walked away. He was still standing there staring at the empty doorway when she suddenly barreled back through it, her arms full. He reflexively held out his hands as she dropped his shoes into them followed by his jacket. "You'll need these," she said as she again walked away. "Oh, and Castle," she said looking over her shoulder. "Could you go get me a Bear Claw or something? I'm starving."

It took him several seconds for her request, and it's implication, to sink in. She was going to get a shower. But she wanted him to go and get her something to eat. She was stepping back, taking time to regroup. But she wasn't walking away. He smiled as he slipped into his shoes and jacket. Grabbing her keys off of the counter, he found himself whistling as he walked out the door.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**Empty**

Kate stood in the shower, letting the hot water rush over her as she contemplated her spur of the moment decision to send Castle out for breakfast. She had fully intended to send him home for the day giving her the time she desperately felt she needed to get her careening emotions under control. But then she had made the mistake of looking into his eyes as she handed him his shoes and coat and knew that she just couldn't send him away like that. But darn it, she was scared.

When she had woken up for the second time, she had fully expected him to be there. Pretending to still be asleep, she had opened one eye when she didn't feel him next to her. Realizing that the space beside her was empty, she sat up, frantically searching the room, until her eyes landed on his coat that was still hanging on the back of the chair, his shoes lying haphazardly underneath it-telling her that although while he was not in her bedroom, he was still there. That's when the fear had hit her. Not the fear of having to face him, or how he was going to react, although that did scare her. No, the fear was because of how she felt in that split second when she first noticed that he was gone. Empty. Alone. She wasn't prepared for that and it had shaken her to her core.

One major reason why she had fought a relationship with Castle in the first place was because she knew things would be different with him than it had been with any other man. In many ways, it already was. There was a connection between them that she couldn't begin to explain. It made her determined not to get too close, for fear of needing him too much. And yet, after having him in her bed just _one night,_ she already had felt a deep emptiness when she realized he was gone. And it had scared her.

She stood there as long as she could, as the water went from hot to warm, then finally to cold. Reluctantly, she turned off the shower and stepped got out. After drying her hair slightly and slowly getting dressed, she took a deep, fortifying breath and walked out of her room.

She was surprised to find the living room and kitchen empty. "Castle?" she called out tentatively. She knew she had been in the shower a long time. He should have been back by now. She walked into the kitchen to get herself another cup of coffee and found the bag sitting on the counter. She picked it up and took out the Bear Claw that was inside, and that's when she noticed a note written on the bag. Taking a bite, she read it.

**Kate, decided to give the space you asked for. My dad called while I was out. He's back in town and wants to meet for dinner. He asked me to invite you. Tomorrow night. Same place, same time. Let me know if you can make it. If I don't hear from you, I'll see you Monday – Castle.**

She put the rest of the uneaten pastry back in the bag, her appetite suddenly gone. His decision to give her space somehow made things worse. It was exactly what she needed, and he knew that, even though she had tried to hide it from him by sending him out for breakfast. Somehow it only served to irritate her that he knew her so well. It was one more reminder of how vulnerable she was when it came to him. And vulnerable was not something she did well.

* * *

><p>Castle opened the door as quietly as he could and tiptoed into the loft, his shoes in his hand, hoping to get to his room before being caught coming in wearing last night's clothes. He had just stepped on the first rung of the stairs when he heard his mother call out, "Morning, dear."<p>

Wincing, he turned around to find not only his mother, but his daughter standing there staring at him. He smiled sheepishly at getting caught. "Morning."

"I take you had a good evening?" Martha asked, crossing her arms.

"I did actually. But not that good." At Martha's raised eyebrows, he explained. "Kate and I had too much to drink. I stayed over, but nothing happened." Of course, he couldn't exactly say _nothing_ had happened. Even now when he recalled the feel and taste of her mouth as they kissed, and how she had felt sleeping in his arms, his heart began racing out of control. He could tell by the way they were looking at him that his face said as much.

Thinking quickly, he turned their attention from the conversation by telling them about the phone call he had received that morning from his father and how he was going to be in town for another meeting and wanted to meet them for dinner. He smiled when he saw the excitement on Alexis' face.

"Really? Tomorrow night?"

"Really. Why don't you go pick out something to wear."

She realized that it was her father's way of asking her to give him some time alone with her Gram. Usually she hated being sent away, but this time she didn't even care. She was going to have dinner with her Grandfather! She squealed and gave her dad a quick hug before running up the stairs.

As soon as she was out of site, he turned to his mother. "He wants you to come too."

"Me? Oh, Richard, I don't know if that is such a good idea."

He thought about how his father had talked about her and about the poker chip she had kept hidden all these years. He certainly wasn't naïve enough to think that his parent's would ever resume their relationship, but he thought it would do them both some good to have some closure.

"It's up to you. But for what it's worth, he seemed very sorry about the way things turned out. I know he would like the chance to make things right. Just think about it, okay?"

**Author's note: Sorry it took me so long to update. That pesky Christmas break got in my way, LOL**


	19. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER 19**

**Family Dinner**

Kate sat nervously in the chair, waiting for Dr. Worf to finish reviewing her file.

"Thanks for seeing me on such short notice... again," she added with a slight smile.

"You seemed upset...again," he responded also smiling. "So what's going on? Last time you were here you were trying to decide what you were going to do in terms of your relationship with Castle."

She nodded. "Actually, that's why I'm here. Castle and I have been on a couple of dates since then."

"And how's that going?"

"Things were going great. We had fun, and I felt really good about where things were going, but then..."

"Then?"

"Then we went to a wedding for a co-worker. We both had too much too drink. He spent the night. Nothing happened," she added quickly. "We just slept together. Not _slept _together but, well, you know. We slept in the same bed, but there was no...sex." She briefly covered her face with her hands, knowing that she was not doing a very good job of explaining the situation.

"Anyway, when I woke up, Castle was gone."

"Gone? He left?"

"Not gone from the apartment, but gone from my bed. When I woke up and he was gone, I felt so..."

"Take your time," he said quietly, seeing that she was struggling to put her feelings into words.

Looking down at her hands which were clenched in her lap, she said, "When I woke up and he was gone, I should have felt relieved. The whole situation was awkward and I should have been glad he was gone. But I wasn't. I felt... disappointed. Like waking up together was something we were _supposed_ to do, like we had been doing it all along. When we didn't... I don't know. Then when I went out to talk to him, he had all these plans for the day and I froze. I just feel like things are going way too fast and I can't stop it, or even slow it down." Looking up and meeting his eyes, she said "I think I made a big mistake. I don't think I'm ready for this."

He looked at her thoughtfully for a few moments. "So what are you going to do about it?"

She shrugged.

"I guess you could just tell him that you made a mistake. You need more time."

She shook her head violently. "That wouldn't be fair to him. He would never forgive me." She knew in some ways it was true. He might not say it, or even acknowledge it, but deep down, he would never get over it. "It would be over," she said quietly. "And I don't want it to be over. I just don't want to be so scared."

"What are you afraid of exactly?"

"I'm afraid that I'm falling in love with him." Saying it out loud took her breath away. She had to force herself to stay in the chair and not leave the room and pretend she wasn't talking about loving Castle.

He waited for her to look at him. "And you don't want to fall in love with him?"

"No! I mean, yes, but... what if I do and then it doesn't work out? What if he leaves, or something happens to him? I've always been able to keep myself from crossing that line with the guys I've dated. It's never even been a problem. But it's so different with Castle. We've only officially gone on two dates and I already feel so..." She paused. "I've lost everyone I've loved," she told him, her voice breaking as she struggled not to cry. "I can't let myself love Castle and lose him too."

* * *

><p>"Hey," Castle yelled. "Let's go!"<p>

"Geez, Dad, relax," Alexis says as she ran down the stairs. Despite her tone, he could see that she was as excited as he was to be going to dinner with Alec.

He was excited not only to be seeing his dad, but because he had gotten a text from Kate an hour ago telling him that she would meet them at the restaurant. He hadn't talked to her since leaving her place the previous morning. Just a little over 30 hours ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. The thought of seeing her made him even more anxious to get to Renaldo's. "Where's your grandmother? I don't want to be late."

"You know Gram. She has to make just the right impression."

He looked up the stairs towards the direction of his mother's room. He recalled their conversation from the night before. He hoped that he wouldn't be sorry for pushing her to come with them. Too late now, he thought as he saw her coming down the stairs.

"Stunning as usual, Mother," he said honestly.

"You don't think it's too much?" she asked her hands nervously checking her hair, her dress.

"It's perfect, Gram," Alexis said giving her a hug.

"Okay," she said putting on a determined smile. "Then let's go."

They drove in silence, all of them lost in their own thoughts. After what seemed like hours, although it was only about thirty minutes, they finally arrived. Castle anxiously searched the lobby with his eyes as they walked in. He smiled in relief when he saw Kate already there, waiting for him. He tried to read her face, but was quickly interrupted when Martha moved into his line of vision to give her a hug. Then just as they pulled apart, the hostess walked up smiling. "Are you Richard Castle?"

"Why, yes I am," he said with his 'yes, it's really me' smile reserved for adoring fans while offering his hand. He let it drop when she looked at him oddly. "Um, you're party is waiting for you. This way please." He heard a snicker from behind him, but refused to turn around and see who it had escaped from. His embarrassment evaporated when he saw his father waving to him.

By the time they reached the table, Alec had stood up and he eagerly embraced Castle. He pulled away and just as eagerly reached for Alexis who went willingly into a close bear hug. Without letting go of Alexis' waist, he reached out with his other arm to give Kate a squeeze. His smile faded and he hands dropped to his sides when he saw Martha standing there, obviously surprised that she had joined them. While the other three looked on, he walked slowly over to her and gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek. "Marti, I'm so glad you came."

Martha didn't respond, but Castle noticed a slight flush to her face and thought he detected a hint of a smile before she walked past him, sitting down at the table. They all followed suit. Drinks were ordered and they were left alone. After an awkward silence, Alexis, being her typical chatty self, broke the ice by asking her grandfather several questions about himself.

While she had his father entertained, Castle took a minute to try and connect with Kate. Although she had responded warmly to Alec, she now sat quietly, fidgeting with her fork. Martha must of noticed as well, because she reached over and placed her hand on Kate's. "So, tell me all about the wedding. What did the dress look like?"

Castle sat back, just watching. Kate was completely engrossed in telling his mother every detail of Kevin and Jenny's wedding. The cake, the dress, the flowers, the vows..

Then there was Alexis. With the exception of distractedly giving her dinner order, Alexis hadn't stopped talking. From what he could gather, she was now filling Alec in on everything he had missed in her life and was only just getting to the 3rd grade. He rarely saw Alexis like this. Talkative, absolutely, but he'd only seen this non-stop talking spree a couple of times, when she was completely over the top excited. It confirmed just how much this meeting meant to her.

He was so involved in watching Alexis and Kate, that he almost missed the subtle eye tag that was going on between his mother and father. So subtle that at first he thought he was imagining it. But no, there it was. First she would watch him, dropping her eyes a split second before he caught her, only to look up a few minutes later forcing him to drop his gaze. He had to stifle a laugh when they both looked up instead of away, making eye contact briefly, then looking away quickly, embarrassed at getting caught. At one point his father got brave, and refused to look away, but his mother refused to hold his gaze. He saw the frustration on his father's face. _I feel your pain, Dad, _he thought to himself. He had been on the end of that exchange with Kate more times than he could count.

He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard his father's concerned question. "Everything okay?" directed towards Alexis. It was then that he noticed that her incessant chatter had suddenly stopped.

"Yeah, fine," she said, peaking at her cell phone before laying it down on the table. It vibrated immediately and she picked it up, read the incoming text message, quickly punched in a reply and set it back down with a sigh, glancing at her father.

"Ashley?"

"Yeah. He just got invited to a party and wanted me to go."

"And who is this Ashley?" Alec asked.

"My boyfriend. Don't worry, I told him no."

"Hmmm. You know. I wouldn't be offended if you wanted to go. I know what it's like to be young and in love," he added, looking directly at Martha.

"I don't know..."

"Don't worry. I promise you, we will get together again soon. I don't want you to miss out on a party because of me."

"Really? You're sure. Dad?" she asked turning her pleading blue eyes towards Castle in a way that almost always guaranteed her his approval. He sat there a minute, pretending to think about it seriously before nodding. He knew it had to be important to her if she was willing to leave her newly acquired grandfather. He shook his head laughing as she immediately picked up the phone and called Ashley giving him the good news and directions to the restaurant.

Thirty minutes later, after several hugs goodbye, Alexis had left with Ashley and the adults were left finishing their dinner. Castle had worried that without Alexis there to act as a buffer things would get awkward, but he was pleasantly surprised that they all fell easily into conversation. His mother still seemed a little reserved, especially for her, and Kate had steadfastly avoided his eyes the whole time, but under the circumstances, he felt things were going better than expected.

There was a lull in the conversation when the dinner plates were taken away, broken when Martha excused herself to use the bathroom, motioning for Kate to join her. "Let's give the boys a few minutes to talk alone," she said teasingly.

Kate gratefully followed her to the ladies room. She needed some girl talk. Being an upscale restaurant, the ladies room had a large sitting area and they both sank into the soft chairs with a sigh.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked, noticing the stress around Martha's eyes and mouth.

"It was harder than I thought, seeing him again. But, I'm glad I did. I think I needed to let the past go."

"Castle told me. About the gambling and everything. I admire you, you know. It had to have been hard. Raising a son alone."

"Raising my son alone was the easy part. It was giving up Alec that was almost unbearable," she said, her eyes tearing up.

Kate grabbed a tissue box off of the counter and handed it to her. She felt uncomfortable talking to Martha about something so personal. She knew her, but not well, and it was hard knowing how to comfort her.

"I had no choice," she went on after wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. "I couldn't raise Richard around that life style. I made the right decision, of that I'm sure."

"Do you regret getting involved with Alec in the first place?"

She smiled. "You know, Richard asked me that very question. No. I don't regret it. Not a bit."

"Because then you wouldn't have Rick. Or Alexis."

"There's that. But even if I hadn't gotten pregnant and had a child, I still wouldn't have regretted it. Alec and I didn't know each other long, but that didn't stop us from being very much in love. I had never experienced anything like it. I doubt if I ever will again. Not everyone does you know."

"But, was it worth it? To have that kind of love for such a short amount of time. Was it worth the pain? Living the rest of your life without it?"

Martha looked at her closely. "This isn't just about me and Alec, is it dear?"

"I don't think I'm as strong as you are, Martha. I don't know if I could stand to love someone that much and lose them."

"I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Look, you've lost more than most, I know that. If I had been through what you have, maybe I would feel the same way, I don't know. But to answer your question, Yes, it was worth it. I'm grateful that I was lucky enough to experience that kind of love, even for a short period of time."

Martha grabbed Kate's hand in hers and squeezed. "Let me ask you something. If you woke up tomorrow and found out that you had lost Richard for good- either he left town or you got a phone call finding out he had been killed-how would you feel?"

Martha got up and went to fix her make-up, leaving Kate to contemplate what she had just asked.

She felt her stomach clench at the thought. What if she woke up tomorrow and he was gone? What if he gave up on her and moved on. Started a new life. Without her. What if, as Martha had asked, something horrible happened to him and he died. Kate felt the color drain out of her face at the thought of waking up to a world without Castle in it.

She jumped when she felt Martha's hand on her shoulder. "Go fix your face. We'd better get back out there before they come looking for us." Kate stood up and did the best she could to hide the fact that she too had been crying.

Just as they started to leave the room, Kate stopped and pulled Martha into a tight hug. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome. Now stop before you get me crying again!" she said half-seriously.

Together they walked back to the table and sat down, ignoring the concerned looks shared by both Alec and Castle as they noticed the subtle but still visible signs that they had both been crying. Castle, having lived his whole life with women, silently cautioned Alec not to ask. Instead, he motioned for the check, anxious to get his mother in the car and find out exactly what had gone on in the bathroom that had led to their tears.

Knowing they were getting ready to leave, Kate suddenly turned to Castle. "Do you think we could go for a walk?"

He frowned. "It's freezing out. Besides, I need to get my Mother home."

"Nonsense," his mother said firmly. "I'll take Alec to the airport and drive myself home. You and Kate go for that walk. I'm sure Kate will make sure you get home, won't you darling?"

"You're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. Now go!"

Kate and Castle each gave Alec a hug goodbye, Castle marveling at just how natural it now was to hug his father. They bundled up, with coats, gloves and scarves and headed out. As the door closed behind them, they turned and looked through the glass and smiled when they saw Alec and Martha holding hands across the table.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants**

The cold New York air hit them as they walked out of the restaurant, giving Kate second thoughts about the whole walk thing. But she was nervous and restless and needed to move. She also liked the dark. It made it easier for her to talk somehow. So she wrapped her scarf tightly around the collar of her coat and shoved her hands deep into her pockets.

"I was really surprised that you left yesterday. You didn't have to, you know."

"I know I didn't have to. That's what made it okay. I did wait, you know. After I came back. But you were in the shower so long that-"

"That you gave up on me?" Something in her voice made Castle think that she meant more than just that moment. _Did she worry he would give up on her_?

"No, of course not. I just figured that you were taking that long for a reason. You needed your space, but you felt guilty. Hence the breakfast order. So I left. Then I came back and wrote the cheesy note so you would know I wasn't mad."

"I was just feeling so overwhelmed. It just feels like things are moving so fast."

"I know. You said that. I guess I just don't see it that way."

"This hasn't been easy for you, has it? Just waiting around for me to figure out my life."

He didn't answer. He didn't know what to say. No, it hadn't been easy, but she already knew that and saying it would only serve to hurt her.

"Why do you do it, Castle?"

"Do what?"

"Wait for me."

"Well," he said teasingly, "you look hot in a police uniform, you-"

"Don't, Castle," she said, her tone serious. "I want to know. Why have you stuck around all this time."

He wished he knew where she was headed with this conversation so he would know what she needed him to say. It threw him off, this direct serious question. Finally he just said what he was thinking. "Because the heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants you."

She grabbed his arm, hard, stopping him in the middle of the sidewalk. "It's not enough. Say it, Castle. I need to hear it." She had heard it once. When she laid dying in the grass, but that wasn't the same. People say crazy things when someone is dying. Things they might not really mean.

Surprised and alarmed by her frantic tone, he led her over to the closest streetlight in order to see her face, and looked into her eyes. She didn't look away, instead her eyes locked on his, searching. He took off his gloves and brushed the hair out of her face before he cupped it gently in his hands.

"I love you Kate Becket. More than I have ever loved anyone. More than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone. And if these last couple of weeks with you have taught me anything, it is that you, us, we're worth waiting for. So if you're not ready, I'll just have to wait until you are. But I'm _not_ going to give up on you."

Tears slipped from her eyes and he gently wiped them away with his thumb. "I don't think I'm ready to be in love. Not with you. Especially not with you." She stopped and wiped the rest of the tears away, pulling deep breaths of cold air into her lungs, trying desperately to pull herself together so she could go on.

Finally she was able to continue, in a voice shaking so badly that she hardly recognized it as her own. "I've had so much pain in my life, lost so many people. Part of me has been numb ever since my mother's death. And numb is sometimes a good thing. Numb is safe. Numb doesn't hurt. But then you made me feel again. And more than that, you made me feel things that I have never felt. You made me want things I never wanted. But it scares me." As she said it, the tears started to flow again, and this time neither of them made a move to stop them. "What if I give in to this and it doesn't work, what then? I don't how I could ever survive losing someone I love again. Castle, I meant it when I said I wasn't ready to love you."

Castle turned his face away from her so she wouldn't see the devastation that he feared was written there. For now, for her, he had to be strong. He could deal with his pain later, when he was alone.

She must have sensed it though, because she laid her hand on his cheek, making him face her again. "But you were right. The heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart wants you too."

Neither of them noticed that a light snow had started to fall. They stood there, just staring at each other while her words sunk in. When they did, Castle smiled and grabbed her, pulling her into a hug, his face buried in her hair. "I love you, Kate," he whispered in her ear.

"I love you too, Castle," she mumbled into his chest. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her gently away from him. He knew she couldn't have said what he thought she did. But then he saw her eyes, and there was no denying the love he saw shining there. She smiled and leaned into him, kissing him softly.

He grinned and suddenly picked her up, spinning her around in the air before letting her feet touch back down. Still in the circle of his arms, she laughed up at him, but stopped when she saw his expression turn serious. "Say it again," he said, his voice husky with emotion.

With her mouth just a breath away from his, so close he could feel her lips against his as she spoke, she sighed, "I love you, Rick." The words had barely left her mouth when he covered it with his, kissing her deeply over and over again until they had to stop to literally catch their breath.

Although he wished they could stay in this moment forever, it was getting cold and late. "We better get back," he said, giving her one last lingering kiss.

They turned and started walking back towards the restaurant where her car was parked. As they did, they passed another couple walking in the snow. Kate bit her lip nervously, then pulled her hand out of her pocket and reached for his. He took it, lacing his fingers with her as she snuggled against his shoulder keeping each other warm as they walked the rest of the way slowly through the snow.

_**The End**_

**Author's Note: Thanks all of you for taking this journey with me. I have enjoyed and appreciated all of the feedback. Whew, done!**


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